raw roughness of energies still incomplete - 
coincides with tight gripped perfectionist 
paralyzed as corpse

the idea of 'better to continue 
and explore n do'
keep wondering who I are, 
keep wondering about the world

even though so much is KNOWN, 
what is read and learned
slanted fairytale suicide novela 
(insert laugh here) 

so been realizing lately that yes 
i/I/eye irritate myself and 
everything all around also irritates
driven by an impatience of my choosing
instead of trusting and believing, 
trusting and believing 

sorted formulation of ideas that resonate
can be a crutch or a curtain of a 
false exaggerated dogma, 
or a liberation! 
if one sees themSelf in THAT 
(one can still laugh at themselves in that) 
wake up everyday, put on the costume for the day,
go out in the world n pretend to behave seriously, 
looking at 299,999 pieces of information per day...
is what it is 

you don't have to go out and do that though 
you can go and do whatever you want 
letting go of 'supposed to' and 
relationship with...ah, what is it? 

Not shadow...
voice in own head that 
i'm listening to and thinking 
'who is that?' 
some me i don't get along with 
someone who is not me 
i mean seeing self in a false way 
at awkward isolated worst 
as an incomplete thing 
while showing as something else 
why that duality in myself so deeply? 
so i can continue to see myself? 
and accept myself? 

when i ask that aloud shoulders relax, 
chest relaxes,
deep space behind heart relaxes, 
IS relaxing 
i keep saying that i am done with 
being at odds with myself 
prefer to be raw and unfinished 
non-formulation helps me stay present 

a practice of being non-formulated 
that's trippy. i don't know what that is yet 
and it's almost time to pick a word for the year, 
twenty14 the year of blank 
the life TBL(ived)

Love Your Weird

parasitic entities aside i can suspend
in the 'lose my grip with reality' space,
paralyzed and agoraphobic by growing
suspicions of slippery empathy deepen.
To have this hurt and shame stinking on me
like a thick slimy alien. definitely screaming
like an alien, some of the time.
what i am wondering is...can we all admit that
we do not know what we are doing?

my friend Levi shrugs 'i don't know what i'm doing!'
'i make it up as i go!'
he comes from a long line of creators
as do we all

as the new year approaches, i reflect
on the year before and the year yet to materialize.
i consider new kriyas and practices for my sadhana.
i make scary commitments to maximize my awesomeness.
i close several doors behind me to believe in something more present.
i sing silly songs and scats to be more musically intelligent.
i get real about adult things, responsibility things, and have gradually
notice myself less triggered, less upset and shut down,
less caring what people think.
ego thinks 'it's already at it's peak', but with age
it keeps happening ever gradually,
ha- i still surprise myself at times.
a boon for any wordsmith's future outlook. 

Love Your Weird

fast moving cloud
rain as dust
fine floating mist
grace hasn't figured it out either
yet she still loves her life
when rainbows appear

fuck yeah i am confused, seeing so many things that you people are doing, and it is so inspiring and of course i am being influenced by that flooding of miniature births. Feet tripping over each other diving into cave to collate, rewire nervous system + integrate. Remind myself (again) to keep it simple, and even though i am especially interested in all these strange offerings, they are maya clouding distractions. 

so like my friend Ethan i turn into a hermit. we laughed when i told him i was about 1/3 hermit, because i enjoy being in green outside breathing deeply...but now this great desire to be bare is staring me down with a joker/poker face. I am in laugh/cry zone and i feel as if i am becoming more sensitive - to concrete - i.don't.know.how else to explain it but the urban enviornment it's not the ideal - it's fucking concrete on top of fertility - fuck it. i mean will it be samadhi jungle or will it be 'get me the fuck out of here!' I don't know..

thumbing through current research on artists/inventors/highly creative people and their routine. a day in the life of a genius, and you know what? the rituals are deliciously hilarious and utterly rigid! it is the polarity to the loose, free thinking, free associating, the loop de loop, i mean it has to have crazy integral nonsense superstitious ticking holding it all together. 

feeling anchor-less and woozy from ego's oscillating, what is keeping me from making my dreams real? theory: part of it is because i feel like the belief isn't strong enough in the idea itself, or in me, or possibly a combination of both.

reminding myself to be simple (again)
build some allowance for emptiness 
motion and distraction 
aggravates chitta + being able to see
how to proceed/execute as unsure warrior
reminding myself that i am doing it 
the right way 

weary of constant confirming it to myself
i want it to be automatic! 
it's almost there! 
i can totally put my hands around it
crumple it up like paper 

i am that 
i mean - its a joke really 
that i have to go through 
all of this to realize that 
i am that

this letter was sent to two wizards about 2 weeks after departing the playa...

i am in need of a little guidance on this path of mastery
am having major kundalini movement since returning
from Burning Man.

lots of electricity, waves, etc
also some emotional swinging
remarkable level of desirelessness
and spontaneous 2-3 hour sessions
of energy circulation (kriyas, chi gong, dance, screaming, wild animal impressions, etc)

my confusion is existentially deep
something is emerging

is there a protocol during this process? keep deepening and allowing?
snake tail soup?

it is not so easy to explain this opening process
yet so heartfelt-y real - i had to surrender
i went to a kirtan and yoga festival to be around
some amazing new age fairy flower children to (again)
show that sweetness too, can hurt when felt with a tender heart
just glad to have a strong enough field to be able to funnel,
to move and be with this snake energy that will shake up
everything i know

am i scared? duh...

  
 

Clearly the universe knows i can handle this latest round of play. I shocked myself - running as fast as I can while trying to not spill my cell-activating chlorophyll I shouted 'I hate you!' to someone who hours later, would enter my sacred space and make me scream something else.

I have been hanging out in the extremes of slut/nun (consciously, I mean) and now wondering curiously what this middle earth place IS - and thanks to a magic star configuration - I have someone to practice with. Someone who I am both disgusted by + attracted to - simultaneously. Considerable options influencing with energy fields relay full tilt boogie, I talk shit to my girlfriends to aid in my fractured blindspotting.

This is an experiment of love. Or perhaps a level of love unattached, yet highly intimate. Passion and play hover in mixed company of little sleep and psychedelic divinations. Moments of feeling I were in high school, wanting everything but slightly to shy to try. I released it and forgot myself...my stories, and just fell into.the.love.

I apologized n corrected. I listened to me interrupting, and also giving space. I witnessed myself loving, laughing, feeling worthless, and feeling fully freed...I understand now what Dali means by 'I am the drug!' swimming in my wholeness as less judgmental, more fulfilled and forgiven. I feel myself weighing nothing, made of ether.

Bliss breath
blowing smoke
through thick spider's web

On my recent Thai travels, I learned a walking meditation that allowed the pace to slow down to highest awareness possible. Every step questioning and watching where it will go, how it will step. This approach allows us to see very carefully what we do thousands and thousands of times, something we normally don't pay attention to until the next bang evolutionary misstep.

the longing part of me 
wants more
wants it all
it's clear pushing and
poking are leaving others
choking in a vampiric vortex
sucking the energy 
into the void
breathe-less space 
sounds like 
white noise 

all parties wishing to end it 
either knowingly or 
on subcutaneous level 
like when the clogged up leaves
between river rocks 
finally push through 
from the back up pile up 
piled high to tumble 

shall i run screaming? 
I am awkward!! 
I don't deserve love 

wait, wait, hold on 
eye to eye
with hiccup of mind
you nonsensical swine
this bullshit storyline
is not even mine! 

The prosperity pipeline meeting up with me is now recognizable in many forms, showing up as new friends, new crushes,  new opportunities akin to breathing in fully when one's nose is deep in a freshly-cut rose, yes I am walking and living in a new way. I have spent the last few days in deep admiration, and I dare not release it just yet, for it requests cuddles, wispy kisses n massage. Spirit manifesting in my field of material, drenched in blessings I exchanged for play. 

The experiment of Camp Grounded has been of the highest caliber of absurdity + integrity, an unveiling of a people who are willing to be at their most delicious rediculousness, as carefree kid, screaming and skipping to certain danger of total liberation.

Choiceless but to trust, to float, to be taken on this magic carpet/bus/rocket/spaceSHIP!! It has been proven many times over, and now (in this now) I choose to believe. I believe in the way I feel when I behold someone appreciating someone or thing so much they are intoxicated while becoming one with the thing. Mindfulness is so fucking hot.

To constantly trick the brain/ego/patterning/conditioning that surrounds all of us is the endless route I travel. I forget to relax - and when I return to it, I rejuvenate and grow like snowball tumbling down sticky love mountainside, I realize the break contributes to the advancement of the process.

Who's excited??

A pivotal non-experience turns real into reality. Manifest unmotivated me. Connected coincidences link up like a big gold chain from the 80's and I realize it's better to know nothing. To do nothing.

I am not me, I am not an ego living in a skin suit, I may be a random nothingness fractal floating - no, soaring/flying/rocketing through space. I have no idea where space ends and begins, and how much of that space is actually me, or not me.

Accepting the now as everything out of my control, grasp, and statistics calculator subcatagor-izer manufacturing, creating bullshit storylines, fantasies, how many times can I do the same interview?

Laughter and Tears are the same thing, this line is also blurred, as with the space. It is the vibrations keeping up feeling separate. Our innate tuning mechanism precision as cloudy quartz, do any of us really know what time it is? The time when we see the results of our misfunction extrapilated death spiral? That many of us imagine changing it, and yet it still exists because the ideal needs something to feed its energy. Snake's tail soup anyone?

I will not change anything, because there is no me, it is empty, yet full. It knows not why it is here in this cosmic swimming hole clothes off, flirting, back and forth between the dimensions. No more wondering where 'I' went because it's all now - relax in now. I imagine that I am all of that, woven into it's magic fabric repeating, repeating, repeating....

No time like now...

There is a cuddly new experience happening here in the east bay/SF area. Lower chakras hum like ferrari, purr like kitty laying in a sunny spot. Feeling held n embraced. Connecting to most innovative and unique people. Speculating if it's the emergence and shaping in the form of abundance + free expression, or have we been attracting each other all this time?

Ecstatic dance was busy/fun/packed/sweaty/restful/playful and experimental. At times,  arguing with my sexual energy rising, protruding n realizing...whoa, this is the pure form of passion/desire - is the same way. Matter from nothing, or the nothing that becomes instantly seen. Maybe it's been forming for epochs in the ethers, flirting with intention and intuition, where one second=a millenia. Time-space bending in vortexes of suspension + quickness. A wonder creation birthing, weaving in accordance with each others' reach for the celebration. 

AAAHH cannot help it 
but fall in 
and die 
and rebirth 
at the happy coincidences 
when stepping away from what is known, 
giving it all away to experience 
what is happening now. 
What is being created right now. 
It is wombsday 

Mystified/mystical/magical at this level of sorcery (sourcery) the siddhi sensory feats experienced. Stimulating the formation over the sorting and spacing required as ideas gain roots into Mama. Flow minus pretentious attitude hierarchy. A way carved out of effortless gathering, endless cultivating, the practice of loving n serving. A healthy expression of
        
                 'I can bloom with you' 'I am understood' 'I am ease in presence.' 

I am comfortable with who I am here. How did I not? Of course...I didn't know. But now I do. If there is no wondering about what 'they' think, then what happens? The energy is unobstructed, unraveling from Source, like Kauai spring water, so highly structured its actually chunky n chewy. This is the bindu we seek to inhabit. 

On my mind is healthy maintenance. Why not make love? Make monkey? Make it happen without worry? This cannot be new, certainly, the idea of re-purpose-ing, bonding, and seeing what happens when X is placed on Y like so. No fear. Mistakes desirable for increased bandwith for billions of avenues in a settled mind on what it 'thinks' it knows. Maybe it does, or maybe it doesn't...so be it. 

There is an honor in divining self. There is a self-honoring that has is arrived, that allows worthiness to steep and infuse until 'of course' moment, here we are, part of it.

Magic accelerating at curious inventors pace, with muppet mad scientist hair. There is all the time (in the universe), and is right.on.time (ha, divine!) Too fast, or too in media, or too in rush-hour, Delta brain wave frequency-inducing 'asleep' there...unless willing to deviate, live in open stillness with moments of agitation and just.love. Just love here, there, everywhere at once. Trust it like making love for hours without penetration. Better to succumb to irritation for wiser negotiations instead to dust it with precious white-lite wand. No more time for spiritual wieners, it has to be said.  

It's not in the 'saying' (always) that is the part, but in the doing. What is meant/what is tried/what is given/what is kept, tossed, set aside for later...what is coming? Sum of actions like boomerang, so be/do something worth revisiting 'Do best You Can' place. Irritations bypass + circumventing, orbiting, perhaps exploding midair while under observation. That too, is real. Organized thought-feels are divided and catagorized by vibration. Sifting, sorting, silvery shimmy shake down. 

To pair in a dream
Is not the same 
as ego-dreaming
as fairy tale
imagination tail   

Irritatingly insatiable, shockingly unsatisfiable. Double stubborn in breaking airy standards, by belief of not met imaginary set of snobbish fabricated expectations. This is not 'where' you thought you would be by now, or what relentless improving is required...so give yourself and everyone else a break. Why hate the world because You now only amount to this much...where is the standstill moment of appreciation? Is there really always more to do? What if breathing were without a pause at the beginning and ends? We would be counting our own birthdays in dog years.

If i have such a supposed fortified field, if i am so fucking Jedi, why is all this human shit still harassing me? The way you do (this) or I do (that) or we as a world do (this)...we have to deal with reality as it stands ah it sucks the biggest hairy gorilla balls. At this point in time, it's cheaper to watch it self-destruct first, then rebuild, rather than try to change it mid-crumble. This is why the U.S. still doesn't use the metric system/grow hemp/etc, because it's too expensive to change it all over, and it's not in the pockets' interest.

If i claim what is worthy as releasing and if release myself i am indeed getting toxins all over everyone. Toxins that came from collective captured and swimming around until puked out phlegmish-green sticky inkling of the macrocosmic sludge.

Always more accepting - i am competing with no one, especially myself - drive, motivation is questionable in samtosha peace-riddling battle to the finish. Am i in a such a forgetful rush all the time? Am i in a rush to die? to accumulate disease? to give it to others? Who will listen to my volumes of pain? of hurt? of longing? Is this why the bottom of a bottle seems reasonable and satisfying to some? At least that has been accomplished. 

Feet on Ground
Love in Heart
Spacious in Mind
Free in Body

Pushing away
From others
Opaque mirror of
Resisting Self

The molecular sense
Of disapproval
Activate as a ruffle
Of fractional back feathers

Shaking the container
Cased virtual integument
Sound the drone of angels,
gods and demons
Engaging communication
With wordless cosmos
Ecstatic interwoven habitat
Healer healed healing
Entrained in elegance

Wow how you spark sparkle shine
slipping back into infinity
You say you are found,
But you won't sit
On the ground? 
 

The unfortunate task of revisiting and editing my 2012 morning journals is unearthing what a broken record I am. Day after day of the same shit in opulent semantics, the sound of various attempts to convince yourself of yourself...is both a blessing (in it's obviousness) and a curse - that it still lingers in the field. If i pull it out and stretch it like silly putty, then i can enjoy it like making a pizza.

Is it the old wants-gotta haves-thought i did's, skirting the issues of responsibility and depersonalization. It's easier than ever to distinguish human from other. Yet I am here in the psychedelic flower web, moonwalking on the snake's back, gaining in self-approval as the attachments of vanity roll down to the underbelly to be steamrolled into mycellium layer.

Reconfiguring my brain after deafening tones of disappointment, wallflowering and pouting in the far corner. She was sliding up the wall towards the light. I rubbed my hands together until hot - and made her breath cloud disappear and mesh back into the atmosphere invisible. I am considering the idea, that much of me can now be seen that is generally considered nonexistent. A lot of what constitutes me is transparent and the idea of 'seeing' is actually being the eye itself, the sense, the organ, the organism, the orgasm, the experience of being moved, held, elbowed, flung, squeezed, cartwheeled n roly polied - like a bliss ball. There is nothing to lose. Only beauty is coming out now.

Self-Approval is highly recommended because it is surprising and keeps the genius shiny. Genius sees all blank canvas at all times yet is constantly learning, 'keen' in Anglo vocabulary. Genius is laughing at everything, because everything is funny in the deepest sense. The question is 'why aren't we all loving each other yet?' rinse and repeat. Love occurring consecutively infinity.

I get a sense of the question 'what is your purpose?' creating as much anxiety as 'what do you do?' after recently receiving a good chunk of cash. Wow, my job is transforming people's lives, that is fucking cool. The occupation is where and how i spend my life living. My purpose is spreading love, a lofty ideal i know, but i have all of You to remind me that i can love more always. And if i forget, here i go again. Apply Genius Here.

Spirituality whore
Ego-centric score
If only wisdom
were to pour
instead of soundbites

You are such a bore
Ego door
More lore roar 

Mary is a whore? 
No, there is more...
A disciple with a download 
hidden from view

Truth undecided
Belief, one-sided
Frightfully blind 
To those who see 
I would get more 
were someone
paying for me