The slow sweetness of Baja Mexico is allowing me to relax into its rhythms with few bumps. Miami monkey accomplices drive south with me from LA to the southern tip of Baja, Los Cabos. Unreal landscapes unfold like pages of a book with various artworks. Enormous cacti stretching up to clouds change into valleys and mountains as we wind through high and low elevations. Every glimpse of the shimmering ocean tempted us to experience time with the migrating gray whales.
Boat permits still a week away, a momentary pause, a shrug, the captain deciding to take us anyway, our own private tour. Magic mushrooms activating as we speed out into the lagoon after layering mandatory and laugh-inducing outfits consisting of thick yellow raincoats and bright orange life preservers. Around the center of the lagoon our Captain spotting whales through binoculars and we creep over to confirm. The clear waters shimmering on the surface, the sun's rays illuminating the plankton creating a rippling silvery sheen, a feast for psychedelically expanded pupils. Clouds looked as if they could be picked from the sky revealing hues of blues descending into the horizon.
The gigantic energy of the whale is felt even before eying its spine cutting through the glossy surface. Two whales dance with us, diving and feeding, coming up for air to spray us with water and rainbows, or salute us with a fin or tail. Between intermissions we wait in anticipation, like surfers waiting for the swell. The thought of something so large and powerful moving in gentle grace melts my heart, I find I am an addict for this intermittent tranquility.
Heart space shifting upon seeing Peter for the first time in months. Our relationship experience limited to festivals like Burning Man, not even close to real life, or is it? I am seeing both in everything. Life is part spectacle, and part work, one does not happen without the other. Resisting the creation of a future story concerning our reunion, staying as present and as baggage free as possible. Plans to occupy a house alone on the east cape have been postponed and temporarily changed to rooming with him in his apartment in town.
The familiarity of overwhelming waves of uncomfortableness of this divinely designed 'ship' invites a duel with the over-excited monkey-mind. Trust holds space recognizing many levels of current surrender dotted with moments of doubt, inadequacy, and an ever pervading process of practicing presence, solid in center. I feel like a conductor with a few instruments out of tune in my orchestra. The dance between periods of awkwardness and connection has me knee deep in gratitude, and is exactly what I asked from the universe, with the recognition that I must be ready to reside in the unknown edge as one of love's warriors.
09 December 2010
Triple fire Sagittarius New Moon escalating the sum of my Sadge-ness (Mercury, Sun & Ascendant!) Jupiter expanding me to the point where I thought bursting was inevitable. Due to birthday outings spilling into the also highly celebrated Art Basel, 4 days of art, installations, European haughtiness, and a plethora of parties that begin early afternoon. Day parties have a touch of rich mischief, like playing hooky to go and have sex, but with art.
Lower back squeezing from art gazing and chin scratching while walking on cement floors. Standing in momentary stillness sipping quality Cabernet, energy buzzing all around me, like traffic in a Hanoi intersection. Eyes shift in one second, bodies pivot the next and move directly toward the target, colliding with no one. Patrons like blood cells traveling in the artery, gliding up against one another, yet not really seeing the other.
Perceptions shifting once again due to chanting the powerful 'So purkh' Kundalini mantra which intensifies connection between 'me' and my soul's purpose. It also raises the consciousness of the men around me, enabling balance in action and communication. It brings love and healing while karmic cycles are brushed away. The visual stimulation warms my cerebrum with millions of particles of magical input and integration.
In the spiral of duality, forces contract and expand. One part in action and the other part allowing the action to occur. On the expanded Jupiter level part of the world is living in harmony (or trying their utmost) to the extreme of living without a care, unable to simply get off the sofa or telephone to acknowledge gratitude. The living meditation is participating in 'one way' of living, yet flexible in a viewpoint, knowledge that the homeostasis of self-awareness is constantly shifting, just like the present reality and one's place in it.
Outlaw onlookers are increasingly in understanding that the overall improvement for all beings happens when there is collaboration instead of competition, while witnessing the crumbling of outdated empires and institutions with childlike delight. We have a chance to hold a mirror up to ourselves, as a planet, and change the focus to the advantage of Mother Earth. Experiencing the limitations of thinking rather than the expansion of feeling. People are not fooled by this anymore in greater numbers and opting INto the unfolding fearlessness of living presently and breaking up backward mind ideologies, which participating in truly guarantees LESS of a life lived with greatness.
Humbled by the magnitude of Spirit's messages, open to receiving more information than I knew was capable, departing one coast for another, one country for another, known for the unknown, I couldn't be more thrilled.
Lower back squeezing from art gazing and chin scratching while walking on cement floors. Standing in momentary stillness sipping quality Cabernet, energy buzzing all around me, like traffic in a Hanoi intersection. Eyes shift in one second, bodies pivot the next and move directly toward the target, colliding with no one. Patrons like blood cells traveling in the artery, gliding up against one another, yet not really seeing the other.
Perceptions shifting once again due to chanting the powerful 'So purkh' Kundalini mantra which intensifies connection between 'me' and my soul's purpose. It also raises the consciousness of the men around me, enabling balance in action and communication. It brings love and healing while karmic cycles are brushed away. The visual stimulation warms my cerebrum with millions of particles of magical input and integration.
In the spiral of duality, forces contract and expand. One part in action and the other part allowing the action to occur. On the expanded Jupiter level part of the world is living in harmony (or trying their utmost) to the extreme of living without a care, unable to simply get off the sofa or telephone to acknowledge gratitude. The living meditation is participating in 'one way' of living, yet flexible in a viewpoint, knowledge that the homeostasis of self-awareness is constantly shifting, just like the present reality and one's place in it.
Outlaw onlookers are increasingly in understanding that the overall improvement for all beings happens when there is collaboration instead of competition, while witnessing the crumbling of outdated empires and institutions with childlike delight. We have a chance to hold a mirror up to ourselves, as a planet, and change the focus to the advantage of Mother Earth. Experiencing the limitations of thinking rather than the expansion of feeling. People are not fooled by this anymore in greater numbers and opting INto the unfolding fearlessness of living presently and breaking up backward mind ideologies, which participating in truly guarantees LESS of a life lived with greatness.
Humbled by the magnitude of Spirit's messages, open to receiving more information than I knew was capable, departing one coast for another, one country for another, known for the unknown, I couldn't be more thrilled.
23 November 2010
Every city has a unique energy, provoking movement in uncertain directions whether we like it or not, souls at the mercy of the vibrations making up the cosmos. Toasty Miami Beach inviting the integration that is currently sandblasting me, dazzled and dizzied by powerful downloads due to reconnections with my jedi love warrior tribe. Sure yes Miami is a playground, and it is exactly in this play/rest place where information is processed and elevated.
Between Venice and South Beaches, I visited family in New Jersey. Incessant motherly begging to stay 5 days instead of 4, trading alone time accompanied by sanity, time turtled its way over the weekend. Increasingly on frustrating verge of that damned unreachable finish line - of laughter and detached glee, respecting the path of these outrageous familia universally chosen for me. Painfully obvious fear responses on override, coupled with the Italian ancestric way of yelling over each other, extreme words covered in either habanero sauce or glacier temps thrown and masked as love jabs, and the most asked question is why?
Why indeed? Taking mental walks while bearing witness to this cracked comedy ensemble, feeling the pinnacle of distance which has always felt at least like South East Asia, now seeming more like Pluto. Halfway through an extended version of 'who is sick and dying' I was trying not to cry. Not at the misfortune of faceless beloveds, but of the idea that real disease is being caught up in such smallness of life, in constant survival mode, but left without tools or instructions. Instead, in its place falsified instructions leaving one stuck not knowing what is truth. It was only day three.
Phone lighting up nanoseconds after setting my gaze upon it. It's from Mexico! It is the lovely monkey-bull friend from Burning Man and beyond. Double activated manifesting skills are carrying me to Southern Baja California, where he lives and runs a yoga center/organic restaurant and I am cruising down there to write a book. His timing is impeccable, as I was finishing a brief and beautiful description of him to my curiously cute grandmother predictably inquiring if or how many boyfriends do I have.
He supported me and made me laugh as I apologized stupidly and repeatedly, thanking him for being life-preserver, because the moment of drowning was heel scrapingly evident. He was probably not expecting a drooling, sputtering, desperate shell of what he formerly recognized. Hearing and acting on telepathic smoke signals filled me with a sense of being supported and loved, so divine our connection and timing.
I slink into the Atlantic, winter sun warming my bare back, relaxing into oblivion and no thought, breathing with mama ocean. Sand accepting undesired energies leaving me while central nervous system harmonizes itself to beach rhythms. Shifting realizations showing me venerable and antiquated patterns, tugging like a 2 year old on a pant leg. If you pay attention to it, it runs up the leg and bites you in the ass! Judgment issues plague me for another round, but in markedly increased detachment than previously. Live and let live, deep breath to send it back to the universe's recycling bin.
Between Venice and South Beaches, I visited family in New Jersey. Incessant motherly begging to stay 5 days instead of 4, trading alone time accompanied by sanity, time turtled its way over the weekend. Increasingly on frustrating verge of that damned unreachable finish line - of laughter and detached glee, respecting the path of these outrageous familia universally chosen for me. Painfully obvious fear responses on override, coupled with the Italian ancestric way of yelling over each other, extreme words covered in either habanero sauce or glacier temps thrown and masked as love jabs, and the most asked question is why?
Why indeed? Taking mental walks while bearing witness to this cracked comedy ensemble, feeling the pinnacle of distance which has always felt at least like South East Asia, now seeming more like Pluto. Halfway through an extended version of 'who is sick and dying' I was trying not to cry. Not at the misfortune of faceless beloveds, but of the idea that real disease is being caught up in such smallness of life, in constant survival mode, but left without tools or instructions. Instead, in its place falsified instructions leaving one stuck not knowing what is truth. It was only day three.
Phone lighting up nanoseconds after setting my gaze upon it. It's from Mexico! It is the lovely monkey-bull friend from Burning Man and beyond. Double activated manifesting skills are carrying me to Southern Baja California, where he lives and runs a yoga center/organic restaurant and I am cruising down there to write a book. His timing is impeccable, as I was finishing a brief and beautiful description of him to my curiously cute grandmother predictably inquiring if or how many boyfriends do I have.
He supported me and made me laugh as I apologized stupidly and repeatedly, thanking him for being life-preserver, because the moment of drowning was heel scrapingly evident. He was probably not expecting a drooling, sputtering, desperate shell of what he formerly recognized. Hearing and acting on telepathic smoke signals filled me with a sense of being supported and loved, so divine our connection and timing.
I slink into the Atlantic, winter sun warming my bare back, relaxing into oblivion and no thought, breathing with mama ocean. Sand accepting undesired energies leaving me while central nervous system harmonizes itself to beach rhythms. Shifting realizations showing me venerable and antiquated patterns, tugging like a 2 year old on a pant leg. If you pay attention to it, it runs up the leg and bites you in the ass! Judgment issues plague me for another round, but in markedly increased detachment than previously. Live and let live, deep breath to send it back to the universe's recycling bin.
04 November 2010
A sincere questioning occurring in grateful self-awareness asking 'how long can I sustain this seemingly 'good' flow? Smoothness on track until the universe decides to pull levers and switch gears. Variations keeping the toetips strong and activated. Challenge is holding one's perception even when there is belief of being 'out of it'. We are always 'in it'. The navigation of such is what the living meditation is about.
David is model hot and hyper weird yet drool inspiring due to big galactic talk and Eurotrash flair. Upon meeting, he thinking I was into him, gave attitude and snarky Leo remarks. I smile and prove otherwise by seeing him and letting him be 'him' in my presence. Enjoying the removal of ambiguous sexual tension between us, allowing myself to be me instead of trying to sway him with contrived wiles, and in the end he crushing on me and my unique philosophies. Former patterns would have had me pulling for his time and attention, but I am no longer attracted to crazy in the guise of patchy cosmic consciousness.
Desire to cuddle for cuddling sake showed up in the form of Parker. A double Leo, guitar carrying, song singing, cuddle bunny extraordinaire. Parker returning from a loopy journey in NorCal working on farms, getting high and tan, returning to Venice and finding his truck towed. An entire day spent running comic errands between car parts shops and erotic Halloween stores, he reflecting and laughing about his 500 dollar mistake in trusting someone he loved to move a car without a running battery. Our bond growing stronger as I point out patterns, he grateful in return for honesty and presence free of judgment. Similar in vibration and awareness, I am also grateful for such a friend as this. Passing intimately sexless time with Parker is both healing and accelerating me into a place of steady presence and close to zero mind chatter. I rest in Self slightly in disbelief observing extended clear space where stories once resided, and present to the fact irritations will soon arise for continuing mind interludes.
I ride my bicycle many miles on the beach path integrating and noticing clear activation of a shift in physical being. In my body, symmetry arrives and pain dissipates as profound revolutions burst through.
Parker and I are creative maniacs without much structure and displays of unabashed laziness. We are hiding behind fears of success and owning up to our greatness. Combined lack of self confidence pushed to edges into moments of overwhelming emotion and transformation. We meditate and summon actions to be taken in projecting our superpowers and crystallizing our dreams into reality. We inspire each other into living in the space of our outstanding and remarkable selves.
The importance and necessity to keep 'doing' while staying present to all fluctuations requires commitment and the pouring of love into every detail procuring blessed journeys in perfect personal time. There is nowhere to go when the present is always now. Strategies forming, dotted with markers of self-appreciation, relaxation and review moving into the flow which continues endlessly, only changing in form or context.
David is model hot and hyper weird yet drool inspiring due to big galactic talk and Eurotrash flair. Upon meeting, he thinking I was into him, gave attitude and snarky Leo remarks. I smile and prove otherwise by seeing him and letting him be 'him' in my presence. Enjoying the removal of ambiguous sexual tension between us, allowing myself to be me instead of trying to sway him with contrived wiles, and in the end he crushing on me and my unique philosophies. Former patterns would have had me pulling for his time and attention, but I am no longer attracted to crazy in the guise of patchy cosmic consciousness.
Desire to cuddle for cuddling sake showed up in the form of Parker. A double Leo, guitar carrying, song singing, cuddle bunny extraordinaire. Parker returning from a loopy journey in NorCal working on farms, getting high and tan, returning to Venice and finding his truck towed. An entire day spent running comic errands between car parts shops and erotic Halloween stores, he reflecting and laughing about his 500 dollar mistake in trusting someone he loved to move a car without a running battery. Our bond growing stronger as I point out patterns, he grateful in return for honesty and presence free of judgment. Similar in vibration and awareness, I am also grateful for such a friend as this. Passing intimately sexless time with Parker is both healing and accelerating me into a place of steady presence and close to zero mind chatter. I rest in Self slightly in disbelief observing extended clear space where stories once resided, and present to the fact irritations will soon arise for continuing mind interludes.
I ride my bicycle many miles on the beach path integrating and noticing clear activation of a shift in physical being. In my body, symmetry arrives and pain dissipates as profound revolutions burst through.
Parker and I are creative maniacs without much structure and displays of unabashed laziness. We are hiding behind fears of success and owning up to our greatness. Combined lack of self confidence pushed to edges into moments of overwhelming emotion and transformation. We meditate and summon actions to be taken in projecting our superpowers and crystallizing our dreams into reality. We inspire each other into living in the space of our outstanding and remarkable selves.
The importance and necessity to keep 'doing' while staying present to all fluctuations requires commitment and the pouring of love into every detail procuring blessed journeys in perfect personal time. There is nowhere to go when the present is always now. Strategies forming, dotted with markers of self-appreciation, relaxation and review moving into the flow which continues endlessly, only changing in form or context.
23 October 2010
In the practice of yoga, the opportunity of injury is highest during the transition between poses, rather than in the actual asana, due to the willingness of getting to the next pose rather than staying present during the in between. The same applies to living life in any other moment but the present, and surviving the constant changes in rapid succession in grace can be the ultimate test of the practice of awareness.
Two weeks ago, in San Francisco for Burning Man Decompression, a concept that confounds non-burners, is beneficial for the continuation of the events' impact on self. Albeit the day of play a mere thread compared to the actual playa experience. Tarmac turned dance floor and art space - an opportunity requiring no arm twisting, especially after running into one of my favorite dance partners aptly named Skywalker, a sexy crazy person that matches my stamina and wicked vocabulary of dance moves.
An earlier conversation with my friend Jay, I expressed a desire to earn money before returning to LA. He suggested doing massage on the trimmers, since it is marijuana harvest time for Northern California. People travel from all corners to earn two to three thousand in a month's time from the tedious meditative task of trimming ganja ten hours a day. Considering this idea to be genius and as usual diving into the opportunity optimistic and determined.
Driving north on the 101, I stopped several times to hang out in cafes, organic co-ops and laundromats, attempting to find helpful connections. Mostly what I met were stoners either looking for work or free weed handouts. Upon reaching famous Humboldt county, I called my usually unreachable friend Chris who lives in the area. To my (and his) surprise, he answered and reported he was heading to Harbin Hot Springs for a couple of days, I joined the caravan dreaming of hot and cold pools washing away days of driving through dusty dry NoCal.
Unsurprised to see Jay (who practically lives at Harbin), looking too thin and transparently pale from his 100% raw food diet. Underneath he was unchanged. A year later, still ungrounded and floating talking big ideas and not taking any action. This irritated me, but mostly because it is a quality I see in myself. Feeling also my drifting tendencies holding tons of creativity, minus skills to manage and channel it into a tangible grounded reality.
With luck, Ali called, she was trimming on her brothers farm. They wanted massages! Leaving the following morning, driving through windy redwood tree-lined roads north to secluded and secret farmland. Permission was required from both the little and big bosses before entering the premises. Owners are paranoid and protective for good reason. Sitting in my car at the bottom of the road where the pavement officially ends, my escort arrives in a dust cloud of a filthy jeep with a wide stoney smile to guide me up the cliff edge hugging, 4000 ft. altitude climbing, tire-spinning zig-zag path to our concealed destination.
Ganja everywhere, in all its forms and stages of processing. Plants yet to be harvested, plants hung to be dried, plants dried waiting for final trimming, and finished product ground and rolled up in paper ready to be smoked. And it was. All day long. Grand-daddy Purple, Champagne, Inca Gold, a kaleidoscope of herbals filed in large size garbage bags. Fathoming in amazement as I take another dizzying toke eying the plethora of pot surrounding me.
I stayed two nights and made enough money to get the car a well deserved oil change. I contacted Chris, who was on his way to a farm to trim. My impatience increased with the slowness of the flow of information and decided to head back to Oakland with much less cash than I had intended on earning. What at first sounded like a good idea transformed into a source of internal frustration, having to rely on others for sketchy information while I sit in wi-fi cafes sipping green juice.
Writhing in discomfort while acknowledging my past career as manager of a travel agency, attempting to recapture some business sense, I discussed structure with Paul, a lean and organized Capricorn with lots of Virgo energy. What he was lacking in expressed creativity I was able to match with the non-expression of my secure planning abilities. Together we were able to see our outlandish gaps in our lack of balance. Unwilling to repeat the formerly competitive, profit grubbing, cubicle bound self, I contemplated new and radical ways to manage my muse. Paul, exhausted from his self-constricting reigns of order and certainty, shared wishes of fruition of creative endeavors. He has a wonderful book project put on a shelf due to a friend's lack of intention and will to work together.
In this new age of the feminine, there is a strong urge to collaborate, but this can only be accomplished in the context that you have 'your own shit' going on. Arriving at the realization that new skills and tools are required to manifest my visions into maturation, only then will the co-creative energy become an unstoppable force materializing into certain greatness.
Two weeks ago, in San Francisco for Burning Man Decompression, a concept that confounds non-burners, is beneficial for the continuation of the events' impact on self. Albeit the day of play a mere thread compared to the actual playa experience. Tarmac turned dance floor and art space - an opportunity requiring no arm twisting, especially after running into one of my favorite dance partners aptly named Skywalker, a sexy crazy person that matches my stamina and wicked vocabulary of dance moves.
An earlier conversation with my friend Jay, I expressed a desire to earn money before returning to LA. He suggested doing massage on the trimmers, since it is marijuana harvest time for Northern California. People travel from all corners to earn two to three thousand in a month's time from the tedious meditative task of trimming ganja ten hours a day. Considering this idea to be genius and as usual diving into the opportunity optimistic and determined.
Driving north on the 101, I stopped several times to hang out in cafes, organic co-ops and laundromats, attempting to find helpful connections. Mostly what I met were stoners either looking for work or free weed handouts. Upon reaching famous Humboldt county, I called my usually unreachable friend Chris who lives in the area. To my (and his) surprise, he answered and reported he was heading to Harbin Hot Springs for a couple of days, I joined the caravan dreaming of hot and cold pools washing away days of driving through dusty dry NoCal.
Unsurprised to see Jay (who practically lives at Harbin), looking too thin and transparently pale from his 100% raw food diet. Underneath he was unchanged. A year later, still ungrounded and floating talking big ideas and not taking any action. This irritated me, but mostly because it is a quality I see in myself. Feeling also my drifting tendencies holding tons of creativity, minus skills to manage and channel it into a tangible grounded reality.
With luck, Ali called, she was trimming on her brothers farm. They wanted massages! Leaving the following morning, driving through windy redwood tree-lined roads north to secluded and secret farmland. Permission was required from both the little and big bosses before entering the premises. Owners are paranoid and protective for good reason. Sitting in my car at the bottom of the road where the pavement officially ends, my escort arrives in a dust cloud of a filthy jeep with a wide stoney smile to guide me up the cliff edge hugging, 4000 ft. altitude climbing, tire-spinning zig-zag path to our concealed destination.
Ganja everywhere, in all its forms and stages of processing. Plants yet to be harvested, plants hung to be dried, plants dried waiting for final trimming, and finished product ground and rolled up in paper ready to be smoked. And it was. All day long. Grand-daddy Purple, Champagne, Inca Gold, a kaleidoscope of herbals filed in large size garbage bags. Fathoming in amazement as I take another dizzying toke eying the plethora of pot surrounding me.
I stayed two nights and made enough money to get the car a well deserved oil change. I contacted Chris, who was on his way to a farm to trim. My impatience increased with the slowness of the flow of information and decided to head back to Oakland with much less cash than I had intended on earning. What at first sounded like a good idea transformed into a source of internal frustration, having to rely on others for sketchy information while I sit in wi-fi cafes sipping green juice.
Writhing in discomfort while acknowledging my past career as manager of a travel agency, attempting to recapture some business sense, I discussed structure with Paul, a lean and organized Capricorn with lots of Virgo energy. What he was lacking in expressed creativity I was able to match with the non-expression of my secure planning abilities. Together we were able to see our outlandish gaps in our lack of balance. Unwilling to repeat the formerly competitive, profit grubbing, cubicle bound self, I contemplated new and radical ways to manage my muse. Paul, exhausted from his self-constricting reigns of order and certainty, shared wishes of fruition of creative endeavors. He has a wonderful book project put on a shelf due to a friend's lack of intention and will to work together.
In this new age of the feminine, there is a strong urge to collaborate, but this can only be accomplished in the context that you have 'your own shit' going on. Arriving at the realization that new skills and tools are required to manifest my visions into maturation, only then will the co-creative energy become an unstoppable force materializing into certain greatness.
02 October 2010
The animate personal space where the recognition of past actions accumulating into present position - the total sum of me - is the fluctuating borderline of now. Open to Spirit and receiving knowledge, upgraded and absorbed as wisdom adding space in the mind's perspective.
Three days late I appeared in LA county courthouse (how fitting, a pot smoker forgetting their court date) to see the judge about the misdemeanor for possession from back in July (see first post). The lawyer offered options while I studied his peculiar hair, scalp entirely visible black hairs resembling tree regrowth post forest fire. Bald but not confined to any one area in particular.
I chose option number two, agreeing to attend ten Narcotics Anonymous meetings in lieu of paying 400 dollars in fines. Judge Harakawa and I conversed in smiles and light banter, my case most likely a waste of his time in comparison to the day's stumbling heaviness of DUI cases.
Thoughts of the movie Fight Club entering my head while selecting a seat for my second NA meeting of the day. Forty addicts converged under fluorescent lighting, consuming the legal surrogates caffeine and nicotine. This night's guest speaker revealed his rollercoaster life, building to moments of his greatest low, just before checking into rehab for the third time. Dropping a prosperous life to smoke crack and shoot heroin up and down Hollywood Boulevard as much as possible, fully enveloped in the shadow of his own darkness. A grapefruit sized abscess on his left bum cheek got him checked into a hospital where he coincidentally ran into his former sponsor who helped him get clean again.
The powerful story resonating with many in the room, energetically held with underlying unity of support and recognition of self, completely free of judgment. He completed by explaining the difference between staying clean out of a will to create a future, rather than looking back in fear at the lowest point and choosing not to repeat it. Everyone in the room became activated, perceptions shifting into confident and forward looking beings.
I was mesmerized by his story. Understanding why the judge was laughing, bouncy cute hippie girl doesn't belong here. I stayed open and silent, I joked with people during the cigarette break. My new acquaintance Rudi heartily suggested 'get a marijuana card already!' scribbling the date and his initials on my NA court card.
Addictions explode perception out of proportion, leaving no space for alternative thoughts, appearing in various forms according to individual preference. Dependence on distorted perfections, adhering to artificially self-imposed guidelines creating an avalanche of doubt and self-loathing. When choosing to be centered in self rather than in story, there exists an opportunity to shine as the unrivaled strange wonderfulness of you. Recurrent seizing of this opportunity, provides an unwavering platform for all of us to secure ourselves on, rising simultaneously in oneness while remaining full in self-actualization.
Three days late I appeared in LA county courthouse (how fitting, a pot smoker forgetting their court date) to see the judge about the misdemeanor for possession from back in July (see first post). The lawyer offered options while I studied his peculiar hair, scalp entirely visible black hairs resembling tree regrowth post forest fire. Bald but not confined to any one area in particular.
I chose option number two, agreeing to attend ten Narcotics Anonymous meetings in lieu of paying 400 dollars in fines. Judge Harakawa and I conversed in smiles and light banter, my case most likely a waste of his time in comparison to the day's stumbling heaviness of DUI cases.
Thoughts of the movie Fight Club entering my head while selecting a seat for my second NA meeting of the day. Forty addicts converged under fluorescent lighting, consuming the legal surrogates caffeine and nicotine. This night's guest speaker revealed his rollercoaster life, building to moments of his greatest low, just before checking into rehab for the third time. Dropping a prosperous life to smoke crack and shoot heroin up and down Hollywood Boulevard as much as possible, fully enveloped in the shadow of his own darkness. A grapefruit sized abscess on his left bum cheek got him checked into a hospital where he coincidentally ran into his former sponsor who helped him get clean again.
The powerful story resonating with many in the room, energetically held with underlying unity of support and recognition of self, completely free of judgment. He completed by explaining the difference between staying clean out of a will to create a future, rather than looking back in fear at the lowest point and choosing not to repeat it. Everyone in the room became activated, perceptions shifting into confident and forward looking beings.
I was mesmerized by his story. Understanding why the judge was laughing, bouncy cute hippie girl doesn't belong here. I stayed open and silent, I joked with people during the cigarette break. My new acquaintance Rudi heartily suggested 'get a marijuana card already!' scribbling the date and his initials on my NA court card.
Addictions explode perception out of proportion, leaving no space for alternative thoughts, appearing in various forms according to individual preference. Dependence on distorted perfections, adhering to artificially self-imposed guidelines creating an avalanche of doubt and self-loathing. When choosing to be centered in self rather than in story, there exists an opportunity to shine as the unrivaled strange wonderfulness of you. Recurrent seizing of this opportunity, provides an unwavering platform for all of us to secure ourselves on, rising simultaneously in oneness while remaining full in self-actualization.
19 September 2010
Mind attempts to hold on to a future not yet existing, expressed in a collection of materials and memories coupled with an unconscious desire to constrict in the name of comfort is what can also be labeled as fear or limitation of the experience of the unknown.
I spent yesterday in the beauty of small town Ojai. I am thoroughly enjoying secret hot springs off the roadside. A cute, plump woman celebrating her birthday stripped off her clothes and dipped into the warm sulphur waters with a slightly embarrassed giggle. Her husband followed. Nervously explaining this was her first visit ever to a natural hot springs, and it was only because they had picked up a hitchhiker who had told them about the unmarked sanctuary. 'Today for my birthday' she continued 'my wish was to do all new things, so we gave someone a ride and now we are here!'
Initially faking security-in-being into fully accepting that this new situation was resonating with them. Dismantling of fear before my eyes, I am enamored by the sweetness of this moment.
Later reflections on the day, my inner cynic arose. Nonsensical backlash of ego and comparison. Not accepting reality as perfect and in divine time. I cuddled my cynic self and accept it for its daft perception, making space for more love within.
As they drive off, I grin and imagine the amazing birthday sex these two will have tonight!
Rewrite:
Mind attempts to fly free into a future created, expressed in a collection of realizations coupled with a conscious desire to open in the name of discomfort is what can also be labeled as a fearless or limitless living the unknown.
I spent yesterday in the beauty of small town Ojai. I am thoroughly enjoying secret hot springs off the roadside. A cute, plump woman celebrating her birthday stripped off her clothes and dipped into the warm sulphur waters with a slightly embarrassed giggle. Her husband followed. Nervously explaining this was her first visit ever to a natural hot springs, and it was only because they had picked up a hitchhiker who had told them about the unmarked sanctuary. 'Today for my birthday' she continued 'my wish was to do all new things, so we gave someone a ride and now we are here!'
Initially faking security-in-being into fully accepting that this new situation was resonating with them. Dismantling of fear before my eyes, I am enamored by the sweetness of this moment.
Later reflections on the day, my inner cynic arose. Nonsensical backlash of ego and comparison. Not accepting reality as perfect and in divine time. I cuddled my cynic self and accept it for its daft perception, making space for more love within.
As they drive off, I grin and imagine the amazing birthday sex these two will have tonight!
Rewrite:
Mind attempts to fly free into a future created, expressed in a collection of realizations coupled with a conscious desire to open in the name of discomfort is what can also be labeled as a fearless or limitless living the unknown.
14 September 2010
The richness of this journey may be calculated by the sheer experience of it, or the integration and connections made at a later time. I am experiencing both simultaneously, due to the activation of the energetic opposing forces of Burning Man and Bhaktifest.
Last summer was spent journeying with new family and getting a taste of the western progressive style of living. One friend in particular found me this year at Burning Man dancing in front of the Hookah Dome, my favorite camp, joined me to bounce around to middle eastern electronic grooves.
My intention for BM was to connect with someone. After a few rounds of hookah inside the dimly lit plush dome, we began to make out, at first a bit exploratory turning into fiery felines, playful and passionate. His rising is Leo, and his sun is guess what...Taurus. Three earthy bulls in a row now, ok Spirit, I am all ears!
The importance of standing centered and balanced is the ideal yogic state. Remaining unfathomed, unknowing of good or bad, just being the wisdom, a state of combined knowledge and experience. Disturbed becomes my practice at times when lessons arise for the choosing, depending on the willingness of me to make room for more love.
Deep soul psychedelic and surreal reflections arising to create a platform from which to soar as the unique being I am. That is what I see in this man. He is magnificent and soft, strong and aware. He is my 3rd manifestation of the Taurus, with added fire. Being born a year later, he doesn't retain the scattiness of the prior two, but definitely the exaggerated daredevil is well alive, his gorgeous form scattered with scabs and scars from skateboarding, rock climbing, and kayaking.
Presence of self becomes highly activated on the Playa, senses overwhelmed for a week straight. Only natural time exists. Sunday morning we woke for a sunrise visit to the Temple. Writings and photos dressed the structure with messages of loss, hope, forgiveness, and insight filling my heart as I search for a space to scribble my missive. Sharpie to wood, I write 'I release you with love and blessings/I position myself in the center of my power' meant to break energetic bonds and receive blessings.
Days of love quarantine and bliss shaking me back into reality as I feel my center shifting into stories, emotions oscillating, I lessen my worth beneath his. What has changed? We appeared as a long time couple to many who had met us. My mind in delirium from complimentary comments, forgetting the truth of this ship's newness, and me falling back in my pattern. Feeling each others' irritation, we broke after yoga class with so much a glance. Relieved breaths accompany my search to look for friends.
Ingrid appears hours later, blue eyes shining, in the middle of a crowd of yogis waiting for dinner. I express to her a longing for a collaboration, a working partnership. She is tired of standing and squats. I forward bend to meet her voice announcing 'the collaboration is with god!' I stand and laugh from my belly. She joins in the laughter. I bend over again. She smiles 'what?' I answer in foolish tone 'I forgot!!!'
Spreading out a blanket close enough to hear Krishna Das performing on main stage, he is delighting in my urge to share revelations. Offering observations and realizations, the ability to connect reactions with programming open and dissolve the energetic space between us. The space we hold for each other is nourishing and supportive, and surprisingly zero flinch occurred when he stated 'you are not what I imagined.' This is the reality of impermanence for me, and the creation of an expectation for him. Universe's reaction of earlier confessions of asking to connect with someone brought us together for this particular exercise, and in record timing! At one time, that realization would had cost weeks or months, now greatly reduced to the time it takes to drive from Miami to Orlando!
The idea to share a loving and conscious space. Remembering and learning simultaneously. The jedi ability to react with grace while dancing between the contractions and expansions with a lover - is a new experience. On this current level, we are for each other, possibly as a play testing ground theatre for even greater partnerships to come. We do not know what is to come and to be present with that reality is requiring fearless action in the motion of love supported by mama Gaia in complete trust to the unknown.
The earth sign of Taurus represents security and passion, it rules the throat, which allows us to create whatever we wish with our word.
Last summer was spent journeying with new family and getting a taste of the western progressive style of living. One friend in particular found me this year at Burning Man dancing in front of the Hookah Dome, my favorite camp, joined me to bounce around to middle eastern electronic grooves.
My intention for BM was to connect with someone. After a few rounds of hookah inside the dimly lit plush dome, we began to make out, at first a bit exploratory turning into fiery felines, playful and passionate. His rising is Leo, and his sun is guess what...Taurus. Three earthy bulls in a row now, ok Spirit, I am all ears!
The importance of standing centered and balanced is the ideal yogic state. Remaining unfathomed, unknowing of good or bad, just being the wisdom, a state of combined knowledge and experience. Disturbed becomes my practice at times when lessons arise for the choosing, depending on the willingness of me to make room for more love.
Deep soul psychedelic and surreal reflections arising to create a platform from which to soar as the unique being I am. That is what I see in this man. He is magnificent and soft, strong and aware. He is my 3rd manifestation of the Taurus, with added fire. Being born a year later, he doesn't retain the scattiness of the prior two, but definitely the exaggerated daredevil is well alive, his gorgeous form scattered with scabs and scars from skateboarding, rock climbing, and kayaking.
Presence of self becomes highly activated on the Playa, senses overwhelmed for a week straight. Only natural time exists. Sunday morning we woke for a sunrise visit to the Temple. Writings and photos dressed the structure with messages of loss, hope, forgiveness, and insight filling my heart as I search for a space to scribble my missive. Sharpie to wood, I write 'I release you with love and blessings/I position myself in the center of my power' meant to break energetic bonds and receive blessings.
Days of love quarantine and bliss shaking me back into reality as I feel my center shifting into stories, emotions oscillating, I lessen my worth beneath his. What has changed? We appeared as a long time couple to many who had met us. My mind in delirium from complimentary comments, forgetting the truth of this ship's newness, and me falling back in my pattern. Feeling each others' irritation, we broke after yoga class with so much a glance. Relieved breaths accompany my search to look for friends.
Ingrid appears hours later, blue eyes shining, in the middle of a crowd of yogis waiting for dinner. I express to her a longing for a collaboration, a working partnership. She is tired of standing and squats. I forward bend to meet her voice announcing 'the collaboration is with god!' I stand and laugh from my belly. She joins in the laughter. I bend over again. She smiles 'what?' I answer in foolish tone 'I forgot!!!'
Spreading out a blanket close enough to hear Krishna Das performing on main stage, he is delighting in my urge to share revelations. Offering observations and realizations, the ability to connect reactions with programming open and dissolve the energetic space between us. The space we hold for each other is nourishing and supportive, and surprisingly zero flinch occurred when he stated 'you are not what I imagined.' This is the reality of impermanence for me, and the creation of an expectation for him. Universe's reaction of earlier confessions of asking to connect with someone brought us together for this particular exercise, and in record timing! At one time, that realization would had cost weeks or months, now greatly reduced to the time it takes to drive from Miami to Orlando!
The idea to share a loving and conscious space. Remembering and learning simultaneously. The jedi ability to react with grace while dancing between the contractions and expansions with a lover - is a new experience. On this current level, we are for each other, possibly as a play testing ground theatre for even greater partnerships to come. We do not know what is to come and to be present with that reality is requiring fearless action in the motion of love supported by mama Gaia in complete trust to the unknown.
The earth sign of Taurus represents security and passion, it rules the throat, which allows us to create whatever we wish with our word.
30 August 2010
In about 8 hours I am heading off to Reno to pick up Silvia at the airport, then straight to Black Rock City, for Burning Man. The excitement grows as I pack the car with Ryan, and head off to the playa for our second time around.
Yesterday I made a 5 hour hike and climb with my twin, he always wanted to take me to this place called the Bridge to Nowhere. It held a lot of significance to him for 'us' in some metaphorical sense. Canceling an urge to belittle his vision of our ship, I released the wanting to know all the meaning behind it for him, and let it be his. We monkeyed and climbed. We crossed the river over and over again through windy stone paths, at times getting lost, the day got away from us and we ended up booking back to the car in a steady free running style, I had so much energy from all the fresh air!
Today I spent the better part of the day succumbing to time differentials that varied my intended schedule. Many times things are not as you planned, things not ready in your optimal time frame, and you have to be in the flow. I rearrange, sort, and shuffle my way through today, still here waiting for some items on my list to be attended to.
On my list is getting the spark plugs checked. Another Ryan is here who I have been experiencing a lovely day of him making magic mushroom chocolates and talking with me as I pack. I read his astrological chart. His birthday is 6 days before my twin's. The more I read I could see how alike these two people were. Similar quirks and mannerisms, I did my best not to project and seeing the similar and the individual simultaneously. I am totally freaked out, why is this vibration chasing me to my very edge. But in Ryan, I am seeing a maturity, a beautiful disciplined soul who is on a different level than my twin, dare I say someone who I imagine my twin would be something more like one day...
As I prepare for take off, I wonder how many people I can gather - born the same week the my twin was born, and study them all to see if they carried even the same tendencies, like an astrological social study. What is it I need to learn from these amazing people? What do I need to adjust and unleash?
BURNING MAN HERE I COME!!!
Yesterday I made a 5 hour hike and climb with my twin, he always wanted to take me to this place called the Bridge to Nowhere. It held a lot of significance to him for 'us' in some metaphorical sense. Canceling an urge to belittle his vision of our ship, I released the wanting to know all the meaning behind it for him, and let it be his. We monkeyed and climbed. We crossed the river over and over again through windy stone paths, at times getting lost, the day got away from us and we ended up booking back to the car in a steady free running style, I had so much energy from all the fresh air!
Today I spent the better part of the day succumbing to time differentials that varied my intended schedule. Many times things are not as you planned, things not ready in your optimal time frame, and you have to be in the flow. I rearrange, sort, and shuffle my way through today, still here waiting for some items on my list to be attended to.
On my list is getting the spark plugs checked. Another Ryan is here who I have been experiencing a lovely day of him making magic mushroom chocolates and talking with me as I pack. I read his astrological chart. His birthday is 6 days before my twin's. The more I read I could see how alike these two people were. Similar quirks and mannerisms, I did my best not to project and seeing the similar and the individual simultaneously. I am totally freaked out, why is this vibration chasing me to my very edge. But in Ryan, I am seeing a maturity, a beautiful disciplined soul who is on a different level than my twin, dare I say someone who I imagine my twin would be something more like one day...
As I prepare for take off, I wonder how many people I can gather - born the same week the my twin was born, and study them all to see if they carried even the same tendencies, like an astrological social study. What is it I need to learn from these amazing people? What do I need to adjust and unleash?
BURNING MAN HERE I COME!!!
25 August 2010
Feeling a great sense of accomplishment! Experiencing the fruits of standing strong in self, while noticing shifting currents of wavering unable to attach and remain. Advancing into states of objectivity and helping others gain insight as well, all without acting pushy.
I spent time with an old friend/lover, our reunions previously consisting of predictable catch-up conversations followed by sex. He expecting to renew the affair through cheeky hints and winks, until a conversation that led into the unfolding confusion of our lives in progress. Without desire to add to that mix, we instead tread into deeper territory, attempting to deconstruct actions and how best to resolve and move on.
Noticing the rationalizations over his need to sustain the status quo with various excuses and reasoning, I challenged his thinking concerning the effect of his actions. He means no harm, he says, insisting that all parties are benefiting from their position. He is honest and softer than I had ever experienced him, for his heart had been broken and now in protective mode. His high hopes for the future are beset by a delay of happiness, and a settling for the present situation as tolerable. What if his 'day' never comes? Scared to shake things up unable to recognize that owning your happiness today is what benefits all.
It seems odd to talk to a former lover about current lovers, but in this case exists time and distance, and I have no intention of becoming entangled in his story. I have my own complicated web! My realization of self-validation has raised my confidence to heights where small seductions go virtually ignored. In its place a philosophical construct of a neutral me, seeking inspiration rather than copulation.
I left that text there all day, it said 'are you done with me?' words leaving energetic teeth marks in my field. Old pattern is to reply in motherly fashion, putting his needs before mine. Wondering how to approach this 'ship' in a new way. Why wasn't he concerned about me? Wasn't our last meeting encrusted with arguments and tears? Ten days gone since we spoke seemed like a month, I wanted even more time and space, reveling in clarity. Ten hours later, a second text, a rush to know my decision. Were we friends or not? After frantic calls to sleeping friends, damn the difference in time zones, I rang him, advice-less and forging ahead on my own.
Initially the conversation was more of a face-off, me struggling to compose thoughts. His defensive words barreling down on me. I felt unprepared and requesting to end the conversation, yet exhilarated to enter this form of combat with him. Prior to last week we never engaged in fights, largely due to me yielding to his every desire.
Regaining footing I went for it. Confirming my physical attraction for him dissolving and my request to discontinue our relationship as lovers, preferring to keep it at a higher vibration. Releasing him on his path and recognizing it as separate from mine, giving him back his power while reinstating my own. There was no argument from his end, only an expression of how valuable our friendship is to him, that it is beyond the physical, and a request to see me before I depart for Black Rock City.
I spent time with an old friend/lover, our reunions previously consisting of predictable catch-up conversations followed by sex. He expecting to renew the affair through cheeky hints and winks, until a conversation that led into the unfolding confusion of our lives in progress. Without desire to add to that mix, we instead tread into deeper territory, attempting to deconstruct actions and how best to resolve and move on.
Noticing the rationalizations over his need to sustain the status quo with various excuses and reasoning, I challenged his thinking concerning the effect of his actions. He means no harm, he says, insisting that all parties are benefiting from their position. He is honest and softer than I had ever experienced him, for his heart had been broken and now in protective mode. His high hopes for the future are beset by a delay of happiness, and a settling for the present situation as tolerable. What if his 'day' never comes? Scared to shake things up unable to recognize that owning your happiness today is what benefits all.
It seems odd to talk to a former lover about current lovers, but in this case exists time and distance, and I have no intention of becoming entangled in his story. I have my own complicated web! My realization of self-validation has raised my confidence to heights where small seductions go virtually ignored. In its place a philosophical construct of a neutral me, seeking inspiration rather than copulation.
I left that text there all day, it said 'are you done with me?' words leaving energetic teeth marks in my field. Old pattern is to reply in motherly fashion, putting his needs before mine. Wondering how to approach this 'ship' in a new way. Why wasn't he concerned about me? Wasn't our last meeting encrusted with arguments and tears? Ten days gone since we spoke seemed like a month, I wanted even more time and space, reveling in clarity. Ten hours later, a second text, a rush to know my decision. Were we friends or not? After frantic calls to sleeping friends, damn the difference in time zones, I rang him, advice-less and forging ahead on my own.
Initially the conversation was more of a face-off, me struggling to compose thoughts. His defensive words barreling down on me. I felt unprepared and requesting to end the conversation, yet exhilarated to enter this form of combat with him. Prior to last week we never engaged in fights, largely due to me yielding to his every desire.
Regaining footing I went for it. Confirming my physical attraction for him dissolving and my request to discontinue our relationship as lovers, preferring to keep it at a higher vibration. Releasing him on his path and recognizing it as separate from mine, giving him back his power while reinstating my own. There was no argument from his end, only an expression of how valuable our friendship is to him, that it is beyond the physical, and a request to see me before I depart for Black Rock City.
21 August 2010
Surprised to hear a certain response to the movie Eat, Pray, Love, viewing the character of Liz as self-centered. Thinking it irresponsible of her to leave an unfulfilled life and marriage, opting to globe trot in search of purpose and personal meaning.
There exists a desire to please others to a point where our own being is neglected, sticking to a notion of false security, exhausting and depleting all parties involved. Fear of hurting another as an excuse, when in reality more suffering is caused by staying in the current scenario.
People-pleasing allows focus to shift away from ourselves to the other. Shunning the absurdly inflated 'worst' parts of us, fear of shining light in the dark corners of our being. Inner self shrinking when flaws and insecurities rise to the surface accompanied by constant comparisons to the 'other'. Scared to simply sit and self-examine on an objective level, unequipped with the tools to do so.
The qualities possessed by each individual is unique and magnificent. What is thought of as a flaw or quirk creating feelings of doubt or self-loathing, is often what others may find an endearing and attractive quality, for it is something that makes you exclusively YOU. What is tugging or creating resistance are clues to patterns begging to be broken.
Constant messages of 'not good enough' bombard our psyches destructively. The goal is simply to get money from wallets into hands of corporations, supporting a false sense of incompleteness. Blemishes and vulnerability seen as unwanted qualities, but once fully expanded and realized, are turned into unbreakable strengths.
Switch from judge to plain observer. Simply look, without choosing what is 'good' or 'bad' - remove these two words - they have no relevance here. When a remark or judgment rises to the surface, laugh at it, or just say yes to it. Find places for love to seep in and spread it all over your being. Repeat 'I am' endlessly.
Collected memories and experiences built up inside that stand in the way of seeing reality clearly. Many questions the mind is unable to answer. The mind was meant for questions, answers are found in the heart. How many layers stand between the two? Willingness to open up to faults and loving them fully allows a greater awareness of being. Accepting ALL will allow feelings of shame and fear to shift into ease and grace, all in perfect timing.
In the absence of fear is courage, if there is a lack of confidence, can it at least be faked until the day when the barrier crumbles and it becomes real?
There exists a desire to please others to a point where our own being is neglected, sticking to a notion of false security, exhausting and depleting all parties involved. Fear of hurting another as an excuse, when in reality more suffering is caused by staying in the current scenario.
People-pleasing allows focus to shift away from ourselves to the other. Shunning the absurdly inflated 'worst' parts of us, fear of shining light in the dark corners of our being. Inner self shrinking when flaws and insecurities rise to the surface accompanied by constant comparisons to the 'other'. Scared to simply sit and self-examine on an objective level, unequipped with the tools to do so.
The qualities possessed by each individual is unique and magnificent. What is thought of as a flaw or quirk creating feelings of doubt or self-loathing, is often what others may find an endearing and attractive quality, for it is something that makes you exclusively YOU. What is tugging or creating resistance are clues to patterns begging to be broken.
Constant messages of 'not good enough' bombard our psyches destructively. The goal is simply to get money from wallets into hands of corporations, supporting a false sense of incompleteness. Blemishes and vulnerability seen as unwanted qualities, but once fully expanded and realized, are turned into unbreakable strengths.
Switch from judge to plain observer. Simply look, without choosing what is 'good' or 'bad' - remove these two words - they have no relevance here. When a remark or judgment rises to the surface, laugh at it, or just say yes to it. Find places for love to seep in and spread it all over your being. Repeat 'I am' endlessly.
Collected memories and experiences built up inside that stand in the way of seeing reality clearly. Many questions the mind is unable to answer. The mind was meant for questions, answers are found in the heart. How many layers stand between the two? Willingness to open up to faults and loving them fully allows a greater awareness of being. Accepting ALL will allow feelings of shame and fear to shift into ease and grace, all in perfect timing.
In the absence of fear is courage, if there is a lack of confidence, can it at least be faked until the day when the barrier crumbles and it becomes real?
17 August 2010
I feel taller today, my energy is shifting due to much work in the lower two chakras. torso rising up and out of my pelvic bowl, I feel as if I may finally have reached the 5 foot mark! The shift is here, because I have declared what I want. I am moving from noise to clarity. I choose what is most nourishing for me.
Self-Validation is not a new concept, but rather undervalued and underused. We often praise others easily while being brutally and excessively critical of ourselves. How many times per day do we spend getting someones attention to feel sexy, or clever, or desirable as a human being?
My grandmother always said if you talked about yourself, you are conceited. Yet at the same time, would not praise to replace that which I couldn't provide on my own. This is noise to the highest degree. Who are you if you are not listening to your own inner opinion and relying on others to determine how you feel? No two perceptions are alike, so what are we supposed to do with all the opinions people hold over us?
Toss them in the incinerator! They are of no value to your true being! Instead, be open to listening to possibly persuasive arguments and understandings. We love to show how right we are, but what is right for one, may not be true for you. Security in your own self-expression will allow viewpoints to enter as objective rather than judgments or harsh criticisms. Staying open to all viewpoints allows broadening of your own perspective, seeing all choices IS reality.
I am acknowledging my uniqueness, and separating myself from story. I am not defined by events, but rather my actions, my abilities and intention. I am expanding love for myself, and if my grandmother wants to call me conceited, so be it. I choose to be acting and reacting in responsibility to myself.
Check in with your inner child. In which ways do you seek attention? How long are you going to continue with this storyline? Does it even belong to you? Are you in a comfort zone, blaming others and closing down into places where you become stuck? To be free from this trap requires trust in self, there is no need to identify with story, instead become the space in between the events.
Be grateful for yourself, be uncomfortable, irritation is beneficial for tuning into the power within. Deep, ancestral human patterning wants to move from pain to pleasure, from unfamiliar to familiar, it is a defense mechanism. It also removes us from the present moment where the feeling is true and real. Are you strong enough to face pain and move past it? Standing between you and your purpose is your commitment and dedication to yourself.
Self-Validation is not a new concept, but rather undervalued and underused. We often praise others easily while being brutally and excessively critical of ourselves. How many times per day do we spend getting someones attention to feel sexy, or clever, or desirable as a human being?
My grandmother always said if you talked about yourself, you are conceited. Yet at the same time, would not praise to replace that which I couldn't provide on my own. This is noise to the highest degree. Who are you if you are not listening to your own inner opinion and relying on others to determine how you feel? No two perceptions are alike, so what are we supposed to do with all the opinions people hold over us?
Toss them in the incinerator! They are of no value to your true being! Instead, be open to listening to possibly persuasive arguments and understandings. We love to show how right we are, but what is right for one, may not be true for you. Security in your own self-expression will allow viewpoints to enter as objective rather than judgments or harsh criticisms. Staying open to all viewpoints allows broadening of your own perspective, seeing all choices IS reality.
I am acknowledging my uniqueness, and separating myself from story. I am not defined by events, but rather my actions, my abilities and intention. I am expanding love for myself, and if my grandmother wants to call me conceited, so be it. I choose to be acting and reacting in responsibility to myself.
Check in with your inner child. In which ways do you seek attention? How long are you going to continue with this storyline? Does it even belong to you? Are you in a comfort zone, blaming others and closing down into places where you become stuck? To be free from this trap requires trust in self, there is no need to identify with story, instead become the space in between the events.
Be grateful for yourself, be uncomfortable, irritation is beneficial for tuning into the power within. Deep, ancestral human patterning wants to move from pain to pleasure, from unfamiliar to familiar, it is a defense mechanism. It also removes us from the present moment where the feeling is true and real. Are you strong enough to face pain and move past it? Standing between you and your purpose is your commitment and dedication to yourself.
15 August 2010
Friends of the closest magnitude and resilience, thank you for your patience, this is the moment you have been waiting for. I finally hear what you have been drilling into my head for the last 5 years. Thoughts solidifying into being and understanding on a brighter level.
Entangled in a relationship that is irresponsible and incomplete. I am not valuing myself or my needs. Inability to confirm what I want has kept me in a relationship I wish to end. Unable to establish my worth from within, continuously seeking a spark, ego temporarily fooled by a touch or a sentence that becomes twisted into storyline in my thought processes.
Unraveling from a position of a story-telling mind into a reality-based stance. Observing situations opening up to my relentless and damaging patterns. The fact is, when it comes to this current kind of love, I give my power away. Allowing myself to be pulled into his field repeatedly, forgetting my center. Monkey mind is sedated, but soul is not, I zoom out and witness actions as if suspended in cosmic cartoon speech bubbles. Soul is wagging its finger at me 'you are not loving yourself fully.'
Yesterday I expressed a desire to become a monk, based on the fact that they are happy because they have no romantic relationships to trouble their lives. A friend sharply pointed that relationships with others are how we learn about ourselves, that I can be a monk in my next life, and that I was born with this hair for a reason.
I began to think about my hair. It is a mass of unruly curls, constantly on the move. It likes to dread on windy days, and people ask to touch it. When concealed under a hat, I go mostly unrecognized. One fleeting moment I thought to shave it all off, removing part of my identity, until realizing that notion was bullshit, and it would take about 2 years to grow back.
Without regular trimming, the hair loses its shape and vitality. As does my life. Layers of being must also be trimmed on a regular basis, discarding non-serving actions, reactions, and habits. Simpler layers break away clean. Heavier layers break off in chunks like a piece of iceberg crashing into icy waters, leaving me exposed and open to receiving light.
Highlighted weaknesses are glaring at me through the actions of my reflection via this road of never ending relationship. It isn't ending because of an excuse. I am pulling the covers off, I am naked to the fears of my twisted mind. I am aligning with Spirit, and it is uncomfortable and pushy. Mind questioning and resistant to change for it will never grasp the knowing of the heart. Determination is setting up shop right here, fixed on dancing into more light, clarity, and wisdom. Linear thinking getting tossed out the window, trust blowing in like fresh air on a stuffy day.
I love, honor, and appreciate myself. Gaining confidence in my ability and strength, actions and words in alignment with each other, from constriction into freedom.
Entangled in a relationship that is irresponsible and incomplete. I am not valuing myself or my needs. Inability to confirm what I want has kept me in a relationship I wish to end. Unable to establish my worth from within, continuously seeking a spark, ego temporarily fooled by a touch or a sentence that becomes twisted into storyline in my thought processes.
Unraveling from a position of a story-telling mind into a reality-based stance. Observing situations opening up to my relentless and damaging patterns. The fact is, when it comes to this current kind of love, I give my power away. Allowing myself to be pulled into his field repeatedly, forgetting my center. Monkey mind is sedated, but soul is not, I zoom out and witness actions as if suspended in cosmic cartoon speech bubbles. Soul is wagging its finger at me 'you are not loving yourself fully.'
Yesterday I expressed a desire to become a monk, based on the fact that they are happy because they have no romantic relationships to trouble their lives. A friend sharply pointed that relationships with others are how we learn about ourselves, that I can be a monk in my next life, and that I was born with this hair for a reason.
I began to think about my hair. It is a mass of unruly curls, constantly on the move. It likes to dread on windy days, and people ask to touch it. When concealed under a hat, I go mostly unrecognized. One fleeting moment I thought to shave it all off, removing part of my identity, until realizing that notion was bullshit, and it would take about 2 years to grow back.
Without regular trimming, the hair loses its shape and vitality. As does my life. Layers of being must also be trimmed on a regular basis, discarding non-serving actions, reactions, and habits. Simpler layers break away clean. Heavier layers break off in chunks like a piece of iceberg crashing into icy waters, leaving me exposed and open to receiving light.
Highlighted weaknesses are glaring at me through the actions of my reflection via this road of never ending relationship. It isn't ending because of an excuse. I am pulling the covers off, I am naked to the fears of my twisted mind. I am aligning with Spirit, and it is uncomfortable and pushy. Mind questioning and resistant to change for it will never grasp the knowing of the heart. Determination is setting up shop right here, fixed on dancing into more light, clarity, and wisdom. Linear thinking getting tossed out the window, trust blowing in like fresh air on a stuffy day.
I love, honor, and appreciate myself. Gaining confidence in my ability and strength, actions and words in alignment with each other, from constriction into freedom.
12 August 2010
I have no idea what I want in my life. I am working through a series of questions to help me examine what my perfect life will look like. Am I afraid of success? Can I second guess my initial reaction of excuses and just carry on with building my dream? Where will I find the confidence and feeling of worth inside of me? When will the self-sabotaging cease?
Connecting with new friends, I am discovering California is a place where people come to do something new. The dynamic energy of LA is pushing up against me, allowing me to feel supported in my new endeavors, and lighting a fire under renewed determination. Patterns reprogramming to the belief in the tribe. It takes an orchestra to perform a symphony, and yet many are unaware of the crew behind the scenes, who are also supporting in their way. To be a real success, there needs to be an undercurrent of collaboration happening all the time.
As we enter puberty, we are taught to sacrifice or play for work, creating a platform for a sheep mentality. How many examples exist for you of people that are practicing with success at what they love? Inspired yet? Yes, but oops, bills are piling up...there is a sacrifice. Life is put on hold until there is enough cash, but what if there is never enough cash? What in life is keeping you from activating your visions in full forward motion? Support system should be at the top of the checklist. Check your reactions, are you defensive? Check your body, are you running on exhausted adrenals? In what ways will you add nourishment to your life?
All worthwhile practice requires time and patience, spend as much time as you can every day on working magic. Moving from a stuck position takes a cunning plan. How much time devoted is your vision worth? 5 minutes a day? Without water and sunlight, the garden will dry up and die. Excuses hold me in a position of not trying. No try, no fail, easy enough, and I can stay in my comfort zone! I persevere to not only eliminate negative talk that does not align with my actions. I will DO instead of TRY, and if I fail at something, I retool and do it again. Lose the fear of failing, and creativity will come alive, watch others intently. Jealousy is looking at something and wishing we were 'it' or had 'it.' Be inspired by it, turn it into motivation.
Leo new moon shows us this month to be secure in our unique self-expression. Lions energy medicine displays the family element, everyone doing their part for the good of the whole. Dip your feet in the waters of discomfort, I dare you to be MORE, go ahead, ROAR!
Connecting with new friends, I am discovering California is a place where people come to do something new. The dynamic energy of LA is pushing up against me, allowing me to feel supported in my new endeavors, and lighting a fire under renewed determination. Patterns reprogramming to the belief in the tribe. It takes an orchestra to perform a symphony, and yet many are unaware of the crew behind the scenes, who are also supporting in their way. To be a real success, there needs to be an undercurrent of collaboration happening all the time.
As we enter puberty, we are taught to sacrifice or play for work, creating a platform for a sheep mentality. How many examples exist for you of people that are practicing with success at what they love? Inspired yet? Yes, but oops, bills are piling up...there is a sacrifice. Life is put on hold until there is enough cash, but what if there is never enough cash? What in life is keeping you from activating your visions in full forward motion? Support system should be at the top of the checklist. Check your reactions, are you defensive? Check your body, are you running on exhausted adrenals? In what ways will you add nourishment to your life?
All worthwhile practice requires time and patience, spend as much time as you can every day on working magic. Moving from a stuck position takes a cunning plan. How much time devoted is your vision worth? 5 minutes a day? Without water and sunlight, the garden will dry up and die. Excuses hold me in a position of not trying. No try, no fail, easy enough, and I can stay in my comfort zone! I persevere to not only eliminate negative talk that does not align with my actions. I will DO instead of TRY, and if I fail at something, I retool and do it again. Lose the fear of failing, and creativity will come alive, watch others intently. Jealousy is looking at something and wishing we were 'it' or had 'it.' Be inspired by it, turn it into motivation.
Leo new moon shows us this month to be secure in our unique self-expression. Lions energy medicine displays the family element, everyone doing their part for the good of the whole. Dip your feet in the waters of discomfort, I dare you to be MORE, go ahead, ROAR!
10 August 2010
You caught me, yes I am still smoking, but I haven't bought any I swear! I have a lot of Jupiter in my chart, Jupiter is expansive and excessive. Is that wine? Sure! Joint? Sounds good to me! Cigarette? Well, just one...aren't writers supposed to drink and smoke copiously after all? Oscar Wilde-ish lines of reasoning spewing. Disappointment eventually blanketing me for punishing my temple again. Fasting, meditating and cleansing, a different kind of punishment altogether. Self-punishment scolding my ego and confuses me in ways where I can't figure out what will balance my habits and this need to self-parent.
I have several friends here in LA, living in different parts of the city, and yet do not overlap, faceless names floating in the ether, living within miles of the other. I am the connector of this beautiful eccentric crowd, and living to get them all in one place. All representing a different time and place in my life. Each reunion blowing dust off sequestered memories, enabling a series of realizations and closures of life stages and accomplishments, wisdom creeping in again, one of most divine aspects of having 40 years behind me.
Sipping on Malbec on a chilly rooftop overlooking downtown, Daniel recaptures the memory of me as a go-getting travel agent manager, a leader with direction and drive. I was freshly divorced and exhausted after years of making decisions at both work and home, longing for someone to sweep me away, make all the choices for me. I just wanted to be led and hang back in the shadows for a while. Daniel was surprised when I declared those words way back when, seeing me in an entirely different light. He stated that I had swung to the extremes again, he was so on point.
The man guilty of sweeping me off my feet is also here in LA. He is a soul twin, a mirror, he is a security blanket, my home. Yesterday we were both very cranky, I was more inwardly, but he verbalizing many complaints and frustrations, I wanted to escape and help at the same time, but unsure how to help. I took moments to turn it back on myself and realized I was actually disappointed with me, it wasn't him at all, he was just showing me what I needed to work on. He began to tell me (again) about a vision he had with a rattlesnake. I began to google the snake's spirit energy. We discovered snakes are shape-shifters, strike only when necessary, and knowing of one's own gut feeling, bellies always slithering on Mother Earth. Snakes have an energy of transmutation, spirit animals appear to show us what we have forgotten or need to improve on.
I expressed that I felt he didn't listen to me, and he explained that he can be THAT with me, I allow him space to vent, to be in full state of vulnerability tinged with anger. I hold that space for him, I had no idea, and my understanding of our 'ship' had shifted into a new space.
In that moment we were able to construct a narrowing of our visions, holding them with confidence and authority. Acknowledging the balance required to perform such achievements, the steps and connections that must be established and confirmed through actions, our truth speaking clearly to crystallize the vision. I felt the power in both of us expand and take another step up the ladder of realizations. I invite him to Venice for a meditation class, he decides to stay home and integrate.
Kundalini chanting is the perfect medicine for driving on the Santa Monica freeway towards Venice. I drive without written directions, starting to navigate my way around this maniacal metropolis, and I pat myself on the back, only two u-turns on this journey.
09 August 2010
Red lights blasting through my rear view mirror, accompanied by loudspeaker instructions on where exactly to pull over. One exit from my destination, after 5 days and over 2750 miles, and I get pulled over. I am in Venice, California, its midnight and the car has been freaking out from being in the desert conditions, and my stomach was nervous. I had been driving with the hazard lights on (probably not the smartest thing I ever did). I follow instructions and roll down my window.
The officer comes over with flashlight and asks for my license. He tells me I shouldn't drive on the freeway with lights flashing, it means I need help. I explain I am almost at my destination and the car is freaking and I had been driving since Sedona, crying (not intentionally or for dramatics) but I was under stress and that was how my emotional body longed to express itself in the moment. He tried to calm me until he noticed a particular smell was emanating from my Jeep Cherokee. He asks 'Ma'am have you been smoking marijuana?'
I answer honestly 'yes' He looks at me like a disappointed mom, complete with head angle and eyes full of sorrow. He asks me to step out of the car. I step and he asks when I smoked last. I answer 'a couple of hours ago' I explain I was stressed about the car and I thought it would calm my nerves. He invites me to stand on one leg and count 1001, 1002, 1003, and so on. By all accounts, I am high, but I am also a yoga teacher and dancer, disciplines where standing on one foot is obligatory, and luckily have been constructed with large feet for someone so small. This is too simple...
I am counting, 1025, 1026, 1027...he approves and says 'ok' now tilt your head back and count 30 seconds to yourself and look up when you think it has been 30 seconds. Quietly counting, head back, resisting the urge to stretch, I look up and glance at the 27 on his watch. 'I am good' I boast to myself. He asks me where the pot is in the car. I tell him and he reaches in and grabs the canister. 'How much is in here?' he asks, 'about an eighth' not quite seeing myself in handcuffs, so far the exchange has been slightly relaxing compared to the freeway driving. I am unexpectedly relaxed in the company of authority, I wait and chill while he heads back to his patrol car.
Days before, I received an astrological chart reading from a yogi/astrologer friend. He explained that I had been in Miami incubating. My yellow condo in South Beach, was indeed like being in an egg, a safe and comfortable zone where I could hide from the challenges of life. The planetary energies were putting me in an energetic fog, and going west would place me in a clearer visionary path. He made a comment that I wouldn't be needing to smoke pot everyday anymore, I would be in a more productive arena, with an appropriate audience.
The cop asked what I was doing in LA. I told him I was a massage therapist and yoga instructor, and I was in town to create workshops and retreats with a friend. He smiled and said 'wow', I agreed with his sentiment. He told me to have a seat in the car. I sat and waited. He came back to my window and handed me a piece of paper. It was a ticket for possession of marijuana. Cocking his head, he asks 'Ma'am have you done any research on smoking marijuana?' I answer 'well yes as a matter of fact, I have.'
He tells me he has a 'friend' with 'brain damage' from smoking ganja. 'Really?' I question, 'because there are zero studies connecting the two, and in fact, marijuana shrinks brain tumors and aids in concentration.' He tells me of another 'friend' who has switched from pot to crack! I wonder why a cop would have friends like this? I had to argue this point as well, explaining the misconceptions around pot being a 'gateway drug' and the highs were totally different. If anything, people that smoke are people that ingest mushrooms, since they were both hallucinogens.
I thought how fitting - I get pulled over minutes from my destination relieved from the poison I was meant to be freeing myself from in my reading, keeping me from reaching my highest human potential. I thought this ticket more of a blessing than anything else, but deeply humored by this exchange, this motherly type policeman of Venice, a place where nearly everyone is in possession of substances. Imagine if I had been caught in Alabama, or Arizona. I would probably be writing this post from a jail cell.
I was freed, under the conditions that I would be a good girl, and get my car looked at by a mechanic. He even gave me directions how to get to my destination without taking the freeway.
Three weeks on, new fuel pump and filter, and smoke free.
The officer comes over with flashlight and asks for my license. He tells me I shouldn't drive on the freeway with lights flashing, it means I need help. I explain I am almost at my destination and the car is freaking and I had been driving since Sedona, crying (not intentionally or for dramatics) but I was under stress and that was how my emotional body longed to express itself in the moment. He tried to calm me until he noticed a particular smell was emanating from my Jeep Cherokee. He asks 'Ma'am have you been smoking marijuana?'
I answer honestly 'yes' He looks at me like a disappointed mom, complete with head angle and eyes full of sorrow. He asks me to step out of the car. I step and he asks when I smoked last. I answer 'a couple of hours ago' I explain I was stressed about the car and I thought it would calm my nerves. He invites me to stand on one leg and count 1001, 1002, 1003, and so on. By all accounts, I am high, but I am also a yoga teacher and dancer, disciplines where standing on one foot is obligatory, and luckily have been constructed with large feet for someone so small. This is too simple...
I am counting, 1025, 1026, 1027...he approves and says 'ok' now tilt your head back and count 30 seconds to yourself and look up when you think it has been 30 seconds. Quietly counting, head back, resisting the urge to stretch, I look up and glance at the 27 on his watch. 'I am good' I boast to myself. He asks me where the pot is in the car. I tell him and he reaches in and grabs the canister. 'How much is in here?' he asks, 'about an eighth' not quite seeing myself in handcuffs, so far the exchange has been slightly relaxing compared to the freeway driving. I am unexpectedly relaxed in the company of authority, I wait and chill while he heads back to his patrol car.
Days before, I received an astrological chart reading from a yogi/astrologer friend. He explained that I had been in Miami incubating. My yellow condo in South Beach, was indeed like being in an egg, a safe and comfortable zone where I could hide from the challenges of life. The planetary energies were putting me in an energetic fog, and going west would place me in a clearer visionary path. He made a comment that I wouldn't be needing to smoke pot everyday anymore, I would be in a more productive arena, with an appropriate audience.
The cop asked what I was doing in LA. I told him I was a massage therapist and yoga instructor, and I was in town to create workshops and retreats with a friend. He smiled and said 'wow', I agreed with his sentiment. He told me to have a seat in the car. I sat and waited. He came back to my window and handed me a piece of paper. It was a ticket for possession of marijuana. Cocking his head, he asks 'Ma'am have you done any research on smoking marijuana?' I answer 'well yes as a matter of fact, I have.'
He tells me he has a 'friend' with 'brain damage' from smoking ganja. 'Really?' I question, 'because there are zero studies connecting the two, and in fact, marijuana shrinks brain tumors and aids in concentration.' He tells me of another 'friend' who has switched from pot to crack! I wonder why a cop would have friends like this? I had to argue this point as well, explaining the misconceptions around pot being a 'gateway drug' and the highs were totally different. If anything, people that smoke are people that ingest mushrooms, since they were both hallucinogens.
I thought how fitting - I get pulled over minutes from my destination relieved from the poison I was meant to be freeing myself from in my reading, keeping me from reaching my highest human potential. I thought this ticket more of a blessing than anything else, but deeply humored by this exchange, this motherly type policeman of Venice, a place where nearly everyone is in possession of substances. Imagine if I had been caught in Alabama, or Arizona. I would probably be writing this post from a jail cell.
I was freed, under the conditions that I would be a good girl, and get my car looked at by a mechanic. He even gave me directions how to get to my destination without taking the freeway.
Three weeks on, new fuel pump and filter, and smoke free.
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