Just a fuzz of light before the beam drills through, and idea with a suspicious smile - what to do when somewhat submerged in mystery, as curious and jumpy as a child separated from a puppy by a thick piece of glass? Is my intuition leaving me in suspense? Waiting to be drenched in integration, i push a little with a concentrated ninja-fied Sadhana. Morning bhakti, afternoon whirling, the Sadhana is woven in all day and all night, until i cannot see any separation.

I am wondering if there is a problem in the attempts to reign in all the things i do and put them under one umbrella called Art. I am doing it with love, with thoughtfulness, with humor, with openness and willingness to look as though i hadn't ever looked before. Remember simple, the most basic thing of this human existence is to experience what comes naturally to you.

Fill in the blank here ______________.

I ask for all of my worlds to connect and intersect, grow and weave, breathe and expand. A spiritually infused human, psychically resonating and dancing with the movements and cycles of the galactic grid.

Who's with me? 

I have this crazy dream where i have a big mansion or sometimes it's an island, and i invite all of my friends together because you really should (yes i said should) meet each other. Yes, we have Facebook and Twitter, but it sure doesn't beat the clink of a glass at the moment our eyes meet now does it? Or a delicious hug? Does everyone have this dream? Is this how Burning Man started? Maybe Larry started BM so all of his friends can hug each other.

Last year on the playa i was on the lookout for my bike when i heard 'get her! she's furry!!' I was nabbed and pulled into the center of a faux fur-wearing international cuddle puddle. We stayed there for about 20 minutes laughing, talking, breathing, swaying, i could relax completely as everyone was pressed up against me, holding me in safety/bliss/yumminess.

On our quest to integrate spiritual with material, achieving siddhis from rigorous practice, most of the excess has fallen away, melting as ice in a glass. Ice appears at first to be different than the liquid, but after a while, returns to liquid without even changing volume.

Yes, Mars is still retrograde in Virgo.
It will all make sense later.

From the thin air place I began dancing as if I were requesting rain or charming a snake. Just as I thought it was all coming together it broke apart and shattered, for I had no idea how asleep I was until I drank ayahuasca. Under strict instructions concerning both diet and intention, I was concerned about what to ask her. Yes, ayahuasca is a Her, Grandmother she is called, for She heals you in so many ways by showing you what you are made of, what you came on this very planet for, She shakes you to your core until you have gathered it all up, packed it up and shipped it out to cosmic oblivion, to reveal and revel in your own giant strength.

Mutable malleable mush I became as I remembered to keep surrendering. She pushed and pulled on me, as if I were receiving a massage, I snaked and slithered and from deep in my bowels I vomited and rested into a vision of my own eyes breathing back at me with pure wonder.

Then the eyes morphed into a puma. Yes a puma, then a frog, a bat, a squirrel, a frog, a snake, a firefly, a chicken, a condor, a monkey-lizard, a virtual parade of animals inhabiting my body both serving as reminders of how many movements a curious, playful body can make while squishing out stagnant chi. Clearing pathways creating free space to move like a strong, clean body by digging, crawling, flying, and climbing. In between I would find myself in a static-stuck places, crumbling and crying like a child, tears and snot everywhere as I felt old shame wash through and I just repeated ‘exquisite’ as she would rock me back into bubbling giggles and sighs of love as I move so softly with remarkable tenderness into the tall, powerful Grandmother herself. Ceremonial songs delighted my field and I joined in song, the song was in me all this time, which made me cry sweetly as pain escaped my shape shifting body form.

Teacher, healer, revealer. Answers never show up in a thinkable form. The second ceremony I asked to see the Origin of Things. I wanted to go back to a time before the sacred source books were destroyed, the truths of the universe. I wanted to understand and embody the cryptic mystery. I want to be a beautiful helpful human being. She showed me things beyond my usual limited reason. My logical mind became more confused than a nocturnal daytripper. It struggled and argued until reality was completely annihilated, for there was no difference between eyes open and closed, grids of color everywhere, pieces of the sky came apart like jigsaw pieces until left brain just said ‘huh?’ and gave up, I expanded in a deep sigh and left my body floating high in the swirly abyss. I asked Her, what am I doing here? She answered by making me hurl in a bucket, everyone was throwing up around me, throwing up the hate of the world, and I laughed like an old knowing woman. I am animal, here to eliminate, to travel through the trenches of emotion, bind them up and release them. It was a dread/bliss place in between patterns and more visions of eyes. Eyes are the gateway to this cosmic human form, when we see each other, we tap into reality shifting from this world to another. More feeling than word, more experience than the logical seemingly excessive comprehension of it. And it is so simple and incredibly beautiful. Do not hesitate to manipulate, shape and paint the future.

Shaman Don Jose would close each ceremony with a truckful of gracias. Thanks mother, father, animal and insect families, elements, plants, the medicine. I come away with more gratitude than I ever had in my whole life. Massive purging leaves my body feeling clear and amazing, I feel calculatedly different. Integrated wizardry now moves me in this world as a humbled master, with a greater understanding of the universe of me. Piecing it back together post disintegration - it’s simple.

I am a healing machine.

I am in love.

My body does awesome things.

Human,

lovely

connected

grounded

upside down sky

languid

gateway to infinity

leaving this earth

dancing with cosmos in pure awe of presence

once mind dissolves from the phase of ‘what?’

potent medicine

courage

compassion

love

keep making art

that’s all

yum it up.