Achieving a greater success in the neutral space removes my need for analyzing with brain and allows me to live and express myself through intrepid heart. Detaching myself from shifting truths that confuse and jostle my perception, my evolution of awareness is unfolding with greater momentum and precision fine-tuning.
Solo apartment time fractionally restores me to former self. The appearance of togetherness masks tightrope wavering between strangulation and liberation of psyche. One or two jedi companions aptly detecting undercurrents of heartbreak simmering from below amongst the embraces and comments over time missed. Discomfort stemming from mixed, diluted and over-exposed messages leads me on a fact-finding mission for reality, removing fiction and myth, objective in perspective.
Peter is perplexing and periodically intense, predictable only in his unpredictability. Inevitable recent determined harmoniacal discourses reveal clarity on where 'we' stand. Unconscious struggle to share power topped by a mutual disinterest in trying to make a ship of romantic nature, plus a bonus garnish of the standard argument of declining passion for me sexually. Accompanied by days of recurrent emotional pendulums ranging from exposed and sensitive to rotten and brutish. Trickling in periodically, hand-written notes acknowledging his gratitude for me, an elegant solution to a mistake sprouted from reactionary origin.
Frustration of choosing to navigate through his actions leading to eventual disengaging and a realization of deserving better treatment from a man. In relentlessly changing truth, clingless is my rational solution. Continued allowing of the evolution to endure requires even a letting go of desires to make a commitment to 'being me.' I am different every single day, and so is everyone else. Sticking to the practice of maintaining my heartspace in highest regard, keeping to my vision and the ultimate illusory self-illuminating 'thing' of what it is I want, which in itself is in constant flux.
Water still moves around the finger I place in it. I can push it around and splash it, but it is not bothered by my actions to move it one way or the other and I am unable to see where it has merged back into itself. A lesson in practice ~ eventually cutting myself from egotistically judging my many maddening duel-sided Gemini friends, unsuccessful attempts to help them 'save time.' Individual paths are sprinkled with mandatory mistakes experienced for the sake of gaining personal wisdom. Removal of judgment and the personal need to shift others by letting others BE instead of trying to create a certain outcome permits compassionate and forgiving love in its divine timing, accelerated by the very action of letting it be love.
14 January 2011
This current placement of weariness is the result of an experiment of my own choosing. It is this connection I asked the universe for, I surrendered and said 'OK bring it on.' Admiring my own stamina in this latest experience not unlike a curveball hailstorm, energetic body bruised from getting pelted until I remember 'wait!' I am the one who activates grandfather sun's return.
In pursuit of continuous, story-free liberated mind frames, I tread in self-dissecting dialogue with friends illuminating foiling truths that stories are indeed creeping in, through an unhinged subconscious back door. This observer is moving into territory obviously up for review, but now internal heart-tuned GPS now navigates instead of programmed reactionary debris, already sent to various recycling trips. The universe has upped the game on me this time around, in the form of Peter.
This reflection shared in close quarters where moods and dramas become multiple opportunities for misunderstandings. I zen myself into silence, let limbic brain have its thought, then a more realistic look, and a conscious choice to not react in 'that' way anymore. Letting go of the need for approval from him takes a few days to acclimatise in my field, until relaxation comes in waves which I must always navigate. Part of me is not present, and thinks about being in a relationship, and even what my idea of what a relationship consists. Programming being held up and shown to me like a flash card, or sometimes in cartoon bubble form, that I enjoy to pop with my mental finger.
He is overloaded with directing energy into his admirable love-based projects. Worries over security and where is money going to come from occupy him to the point he says 'I don't want to do this anymore.''Good!' I reply, 'you are almost there!' A day later, he gave up, completely surrendered, stepping into the flow with soft grace, and breathing in love fully. It was a beautiful moment to witness, I compared him to Brahma, with thousands of eyes in all directions, view completely unobstructed.
Apparently not ninja enough though as we succumbed to an aching fever-delirious flu lasting the better part two days. Heated bodies on healing overdrive burning up old pains, the reminder to take care of the temple, be kind with its contents. Bodies still returning to balance as I make plans to move out, alone space is required for optimal rhythms of normalcy within one's own level of weirdness.
In pursuit of continuous, story-free liberated mind frames, I tread in self-dissecting dialogue with friends illuminating foiling truths that stories are indeed creeping in, through an unhinged subconscious back door. This observer is moving into territory obviously up for review, but now internal heart-tuned GPS now navigates instead of programmed reactionary debris, already sent to various recycling trips. The universe has upped the game on me this time around, in the form of Peter.
This reflection shared in close quarters where moods and dramas become multiple opportunities for misunderstandings. I zen myself into silence, let limbic brain have its thought, then a more realistic look, and a conscious choice to not react in 'that' way anymore. Letting go of the need for approval from him takes a few days to acclimatise in my field, until relaxation comes in waves which I must always navigate. Part of me is not present, and thinks about being in a relationship, and even what my idea of what a relationship consists. Programming being held up and shown to me like a flash card, or sometimes in cartoon bubble form, that I enjoy to pop with my mental finger.
He is overloaded with directing energy into his admirable love-based projects. Worries over security and where is money going to come from occupy him to the point he says 'I don't want to do this anymore.''Good!' I reply, 'you are almost there!' A day later, he gave up, completely surrendered, stepping into the flow with soft grace, and breathing in love fully. It was a beautiful moment to witness, I compared him to Brahma, with thousands of eyes in all directions, view completely unobstructed.
Apparently not ninja enough though as we succumbed to an aching fever-delirious flu lasting the better part two days. Heated bodies on healing overdrive burning up old pains, the reminder to take care of the temple, be kind with its contents. Bodies still returning to balance as I make plans to move out, alone space is required for optimal rhythms of normalcy within one's own level of weirdness.
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