Perception upgrade in process, with a leaning suspicion of Chinese herbal tonics amplification currently looks as this: arguing with myself concerning a belief in the solid form of things. Eyes are witnessing a sort of sliding matrix, slightly different than the psychedelic way, as if one day i will be able to put my hand through it. Am i delusional or just intergalatic? I have scaled over to a new viewpoint, and can see out farther now at my own rediculousness, so very emotionally human and also sooooo very tripped out on living this cosmic agreement, in this form - thanks to mysterious who?

I was born ten days late (from my due date) and back 'then' there was no induction, dates determined by divine design natural flow rather than a scheduled appointment. I was predicted to be a Scorpio. I make up my mother was quite uncomfortable and ready when she went into labor during a visit to my Grandparents house. My uncle and grandfather were making her laugh so hard she started to have contractions. What a blessing to be born into a laughing/crying riotous family. Italian-rooted buncha defiant nutjobs who hold disapproval and it's flip side simultaneously. 'You are a fuck-up-but i love you' kind of intended thing spinoff spending part of 3D life trying to undo.

One time my uncle tickled me so incessantly it hurt, i was begging him to stop. Years later while studying massage i learned that pain and tickle sit together on the same nerve endings. The pain/pleasure barrier of our being, our ability to sensitize/desensitize ourselves. Combined expression happening on the physical plane as well as the layers of orbs and stardust. It is only when we soften, succumb, simplify can we continue through the karmic treadmill turntable thing. Strength in softness to balance the aggressive limbic and adrenaline-charged manifester. 

I am talking about Yin nature of receiving and trusting. The feeling after the Crash! then the WAAAH!! Ma scooped you up, and embraced your entire body with her huge loving arms. 'Everything is alright...' isn't that what Mama says when she wipes our tears? Similar energy washes after a huge laugh or cry, wondering what just happened - empty and clear. No thought in the orgasmic moment. No one named, or unnamed God gets in the way of human-tastic feeling sublime bliss in-stilled-ness in a universe that doesn't let up- ever. One big human curiosity is addiction to that 'death' moment, and how to get to it again and again...how many ways to get off? How many ways to chase it, covet it, purge it? Mother may I?

There, there...have patience, and know that 'it' comes from any and all sides. It is abstract and we have to be alright with that too.  

Once i was told that rocks do not speak English or Spanish, and its vibration will not be heard unless we listen in a remembering elemental way. A shamanic (a word entirely overused but appropriate here) coexistence,  dancing inbetween realms, who is both instrument and orchestra conducting and playing simultaneously.  In gratitude for being part of it in this way, right now. Mother shows you if you just stop rebelling and fussing like a whiny tot. Say thank you, go wash up, time is wasting. Or is time just lining up like it's been doing ceaselessly for infinity? Set your space boogie board to 'Aquarian age' please, and in the words of Curandero Don Jose - 'unfasten your seat belts.'


 

Q: How is the 'work' changing you? 


A: In so many ways, yet it isn't over, the results enter slowly as it integrates and separates the old patterns to newer, clearer, less restrictive patterns...i would like to say i feel freer, taller, with more room to breathe. Expanded, less dense, as if the wind could go right through me. I am cleaning and realigning.


I have had some build up from not applying my practice, i let it go for a while...to do what? To travel, to teach, to forget the re-integration of practice. Everything becomes the Sadhana, and the Sadhana changes, and when the moment of (oops) i stopped doing (fill in the blank) and how the result is (this atrophy, this moment of regression) is emotional in physical stuckness. Weeeeeee! Time to ninja and retune. If i look back and see where the places i am at (location) and the energetic effect as in Miami is immature especially faced-off to California...I irritate my homies with tales of exceptional living. It's the fine tuning of the expression of being in constant cycle of renewal and dying off. 


If I strrrrrretch through the perceived barrier of who i am, remember what i don't know to begin again. Courage builds as the body n spirit merge to improve and see into oneself as a free diver without metal lung tanks, only the skills one has learned in present-time activation and application. 


What was once hard is now soft. What was once asleep is now alive and poised for seamlessness. It is the fool's leap into experiential life. This work is a big fat springboard/accelerator/rocket fuel for fullness fearless Me. I've been gathering information for a long time and now it's going into the next phase of execution. I am ready, the shape of it has the most clarity it's ever had. 


I want people to have as much fun as I have. I want people to understand they are in control of their own way out - of themselves. I have a toybox of ammunition now, the confidence to share it and earn money from it. Purpose as life serving with pleasure, connecting the weavers that light up the sacred grid. Working together, i mean as mystical scientists Experimenting+Creating+Editing+Considering+Training+Conditioning to be able to strengthen and empower the Healing Magician.

To prepare for the energetic and magnetic changes combined with the constant detox required for living in this particular phase of Dali's melting clocks. Time will eventually slip-drip-drop, taking the shape of wherever it lands. Perhaps as a dome-shaped bead perched on a bright green leaf taking sun, warming up for the approaching ant to slurp you up for hydration, it's survival mechanism. 

I witnessed a wow/of course moment, i've barely taken any notes, but somehow it has seeped in. I know my shit, just keep checking in, communicating with the student (friend/lover/partner/etc), the energy works like a Torus, a duel carriageway so the energy doesn't stick to either of us. My own blockages crumble and avalanche when yours is also releasing. 


In any moment one takes to improve themselves actively, attentively and with increasing precision they are not only doing themselves a favor, but they are also contributing to the outer layers vibrating and resonating. Yes, i am an orchestra where tuning is required, i am open enough to receive objectively. Yes, i am a Jedi, i look forward to it. At the same time, i am an instrument in the Universal Orchestra, micro reflection macro...

As of course there is a sadness working through that may not even be mine, a simple product of what is in the karmic knapsack. What's in the psyche? The layer we choose to forget in this dimension. 

Human Incarnators: I'll take the suffering please!!! On the rocks!!

Q: Is there a mantra for that?

A: Yes (oh good) it's in the extremes one figures the balance. Eventually realizing the 'balance' is a conveyor, a tightrope, a trampoline, a sandpit, a cloud (it really depends on the individual) I am THAT, but I am also that. No but, but is an exception keeping you from being exceptional. Exceptionally aware of the joke being played on you. It is the elder who acts as a child, knowing the secret and waiting for you to figure it out. 

Pulling into core tight contract, contract, contrrrraaact...Bleehhhreleeeeease release, release, erase the fuzz, the psychic/mental fascia, help me forget, forgive, free to remember how to be strong love warrior superhero. Trigger points holding in the muscle, what information is each cell containing? Some heavier, some light or ether. They create tension, opposition, and traction. That is perhaps the constant switcheroo, the little big bangs that are happening all the time, as the flickering of a movie screen where we are director and star!

Not even remotely close in proximity to an imagined shape is taking in the Now, is scaring the utterly unserving out of me. Requests from Universe coming to frightful fruition, and so continue sweet surrender to the unrecognizable. Sometimes I have to get exponentially small to remember how infinitely large I am. I know Me more now than a few days ago thanks to the muddy deliciousness of the groove-soaked Lucidity festival. A love-blast sparkle shine, cells still vibrating from the open love-infused flow, we are all divine - remember silly reflection? Download becomes integration that resonates and shakes off the outer layer skin.

Actively calling in the fortitude of maintaining presence while living as the impermanent fool for life, leaping into cosmic challenge causes this curly monkey mind to explode in reactive complicated tears, a mushiness and vulnerability I have become accustomed to in this full fusion confusion shattered illusion. The plan is only a scaffold from which to hang dreams, and at times only a seemingly small part of what actually happens. Constant rearranging accumulates without the surrender + ninja skill level work required to remain Galactivated.

Heart patience allows seeing through elevated conscious 'eye', what is truly important within the grand landscape, when a feeling of 'everything is alright' seeps in, great things are happening, and I am part of it all. How lucky in life with this heightened succulence, tasting with abandon + curiosity, watching the unstoppable morphing of earthly existence unfolding. Am I not convinced that it will work out in an unassuming form? How many times must it prove itself before I wholly believe?

The Lucidity experience is proof of form in action. Rain stopped as we arrived, car allowed entry thanks to Dr. Dream magic, complete with aromatherapy oils. Car stuck in thick mud, our camping spot choosing us, magically ending up in the middle of all of our friends. Reunions of old and new playmates abound with an abundance of group hugs and schroomy freak grooving by the speakers. I trust that all is working in divine order, and much as I trust when the one of most incredible men I ever met with loving heart + divine eyes called me beautiful. I am convinced we are all here to move energy for each other, lift each other, and carry this expansive all-pervasive love onward. Love as Art, Art as Love. Mystify-ing-ly simple isn't it?...

This side of death is proving to be quite a whirlwind, grooving somewhere between points A and B, the music is getting deeper, sexier, like dancing to Marques Wyatt on a floor with the perfect amount of slide. People have been thanking me for coming to the party, a party I had no hand in throwing mind you, it tickles me and all I can do is embrace and breathe heart fuzz tingle. 

It's no mistake who I have become thus far. An expanded version of the freckled 9-year-old, sitting in Social Studies staring curiously into the large pull-down map (the proper one too, not the arrogantly American-centered one.) Eyes calculating borders and lines while wondering what people do in pink China and orange Angola and how many Fiji's fit into Finland.

Fellow gypsy mystic junkies, Gabriella and Dune, blow through Miami on a little love layover. Howling, wine-soaked tales of our defying.death.grateful.to.be.alive! existences - living 'wow' instead of 'how' - time and distance existing deliciously different for this trio, with an elasticity undetected by everyday cubicle types. Travel springboards to real-time practice of the ever-oscillating, fuck up/succeed point, where design and resign tango skillfully as opposition in balance on this tantric tightrope, complete with it's physical and psychic tattoos.

Semi-inebriated intersecting allows us to fling open cosmic closet doors and plot like chess champions. Gabriella is wearing a new name, Mayana, perhaps to activate the illusional, mysterious, shape-shifting property of Self. Expanding her inner world as outer world continuously unfolds. Love is the cliff we hang from, one finger peeling away at a time, until screaming YES while falling through puffy clouds. The question is how tight are we holding? Why so badly need to see the bottom first before letting go? 

Step into the fire of Self, 
imagine yourself as torch 
in the cave of your love

you are that
being influenced by that 
and also influencing that..

love as drishti 
look without eyes 
seeking the obscure
awaiting what arises from the
churning origin 
as a skin cell birthing 
old ones dying off 


we never see the former 
shape of self
the collective slough 
a dandelion blown apart
by wind
to spread its seed

Just a fuzz of light before the beam drills through, and idea with a suspicious smile - what to do when somewhat submerged in mystery, as curious and jumpy as a child separated from a puppy by a thick piece of glass? Is my intuition leaving me in suspense? Waiting to be drenched in integration, i push a little with a concentrated ninja-fied Sadhana. Morning bhakti, afternoon whirling, the Sadhana is woven in all day and all night, until i cannot see any separation.

I am wondering if there is a problem in the attempts to reign in all the things i do and put them under one umbrella called Art. I am doing it with love, with thoughtfulness, with humor, with openness and willingness to look as though i hadn't ever looked before. Remember simple, the most basic thing of this human existence is to experience what comes naturally to you.

Fill in the blank here ______________.

I ask for all of my worlds to connect and intersect, grow and weave, breathe and expand. A spiritually infused human, psychically resonating and dancing with the movements and cycles of the galactic grid.

Who's with me? 

I have this crazy dream where i have a big mansion or sometimes it's an island, and i invite all of my friends together because you really should (yes i said should) meet each other. Yes, we have Facebook and Twitter, but it sure doesn't beat the clink of a glass at the moment our eyes meet now does it? Or a delicious hug? Does everyone have this dream? Is this how Burning Man started? Maybe Larry started BM so all of his friends can hug each other.

Last year on the playa i was on the lookout for my bike when i heard 'get her! she's furry!!' I was nabbed and pulled into the center of a faux fur-wearing international cuddle puddle. We stayed there for about 20 minutes laughing, talking, breathing, swaying, i could relax completely as everyone was pressed up against me, holding me in safety/bliss/yumminess.

On our quest to integrate spiritual with material, achieving siddhis from rigorous practice, most of the excess has fallen away, melting as ice in a glass. Ice appears at first to be different than the liquid, but after a while, returns to liquid without even changing volume.

Yes, Mars is still retrograde in Virgo.
It will all make sense later.

From the thin air place I began dancing as if I were requesting rain or charming a snake. Just as I thought it was all coming together it broke apart and shattered, for I had no idea how asleep I was until I drank ayahuasca. Under strict instructions concerning both diet and intention, I was concerned about what to ask her. Yes, ayahuasca is a Her, Grandmother she is called, for She heals you in so many ways by showing you what you are made of, what you came on this very planet for, She shakes you to your core until you have gathered it all up, packed it up and shipped it out to cosmic oblivion, to reveal and revel in your own giant strength.

Mutable malleable mush I became as I remembered to keep surrendering. She pushed and pulled on me, as if I were receiving a massage, I snaked and slithered and from deep in my bowels I vomited and rested into a vision of my own eyes breathing back at me with pure wonder.

Then the eyes morphed into a puma. Yes a puma, then a frog, a bat, a squirrel, a frog, a snake, a firefly, a chicken, a condor, a monkey-lizard, a virtual parade of animals inhabiting my body both serving as reminders of how many movements a curious, playful body can make while squishing out stagnant chi. Clearing pathways creating free space to move like a strong, clean body by digging, crawling, flying, and climbing. In between I would find myself in a static-stuck places, crumbling and crying like a child, tears and snot everywhere as I felt old shame wash through and I just repeated ‘exquisite’ as she would rock me back into bubbling giggles and sighs of love as I move so softly with remarkable tenderness into the tall, powerful Grandmother herself. Ceremonial songs delighted my field and I joined in song, the song was in me all this time, which made me cry sweetly as pain escaped my shape shifting body form.

Teacher, healer, revealer. Answers never show up in a thinkable form. The second ceremony I asked to see the Origin of Things. I wanted to go back to a time before the sacred source books were destroyed, the truths of the universe. I wanted to understand and embody the cryptic mystery. I want to be a beautiful helpful human being. She showed me things beyond my usual limited reason. My logical mind became more confused than a nocturnal daytripper. It struggled and argued until reality was completely annihilated, for there was no difference between eyes open and closed, grids of color everywhere, pieces of the sky came apart like jigsaw pieces until left brain just said ‘huh?’ and gave up, I expanded in a deep sigh and left my body floating high in the swirly abyss. I asked Her, what am I doing here? She answered by making me hurl in a bucket, everyone was throwing up around me, throwing up the hate of the world, and I laughed like an old knowing woman. I am animal, here to eliminate, to travel through the trenches of emotion, bind them up and release them. It was a dread/bliss place in between patterns and more visions of eyes. Eyes are the gateway to this cosmic human form, when we see each other, we tap into reality shifting from this world to another. More feeling than word, more experience than the logical seemingly excessive comprehension of it. And it is so simple and incredibly beautiful. Do not hesitate to manipulate, shape and paint the future.

Shaman Don Jose would close each ceremony with a truckful of gracias. Thanks mother, father, animal and insect families, elements, plants, the medicine. I come away with more gratitude than I ever had in my whole life. Massive purging leaves my body feeling clear and amazing, I feel calculatedly different. Integrated wizardry now moves me in this world as a humbled master, with a greater understanding of the universe of me. Piecing it back together post disintegration - it’s simple.

I am a healing machine.

I am in love.

My body does awesome things.

Human,

lovely

connected

grounded

upside down sky

languid

gateway to infinity

leaving this earth

dancing with cosmos in pure awe of presence

once mind dissolves from the phase of ‘what?’

potent medicine

courage

compassion

love

keep making art

that’s all

yum it up.

The tip of the Nicoya Peninsula at one time was a crossroads for tribes to gather, meet, and trade. The winds were known as the 'bad breath' for there were many accidents and deaths. Everyone i have met on my travels so far tell tales of falls/breaks/bruises of some sort, mostly physical and for some who live here year round, bouts of depression + considerations of suicide. Even trees often die due to the number of parasites living on it, as the middle hollows out and crumbles as a myriad of lifeforms take over.

Within a week of arriving here i realized i came to Costa Rica to die. Die as in transform/transmute. Green reflecting back at me as blue, as i turn to the ocean and sky as mentors. Soul's grid lights up like a pinball machine, silver ball of emotions roll and bounce over the dancefloor of my nervous system. Capricorn fades into Aquarius Sun-time, blowing unique + rebellious air (much needed!) to push and unearth stagnant issues. Air churning stale earth into offbeat, refreshing and eyebrow raising action.

Nihilistic dreamscape arrives at a standstill-ish pause, a reckoning, a deeper knowing of me. Yeah, this life is a very weird thing. And now we interrupt this mind-fuckery-circle-junction for irreverant behavior. Time to stop asking questions and simply Do the Be. Be the Do. Do-Be.Do-Be-Do. Dancing to own soundtrack, but this time - with less clothes on. Real responsibility in accepting your Self as You, a divine work of Art, always evolving and improving, for it is always a transition on some level. Perceived bottom reached, now empty and spacious...what to fill it with? I am as curious as You are. 

Getting to know Self throughout Life, not denying any parts of the existence, opening up to the humor, the Diety, the fool, the omnipresent: the every.thing + the no.thing = the scenic route of this soulmap's journey. Inner spirals back on itself to outer, dreams desiring to be realized. Ego~brain shaken, loose particles sift and fall away as this raw core remains intact, resilient, rising. Life is about dying. Fear of it keeps open access to living fully, so might as well enjoy, with gratitude for the opportunity. It's no wonder why humans have so many celebrations, and it's another wonder why it isn't happening continuously. Well, for some, it definitely is...it's merely a combination of remembering and forgetting.