The universe has been asking me to step up for some time. Of course there is a push back in process. I am still on the quest to know myself through and through. Delving into head space gets exhausting too narrow to see mySelf in its entirety. I can see the world in macro, why not myself?

Thursday's Art Crawl I meet Nathan, an underfed, dirty/gorgeous painter with perpetual half-smirk. Head-on march + smile, total certainty that this person was to have some impact, but in which regards remained to be seen. Sexual neutrality fights with my very human need for attention while trying to know him rather than my animal inclination to scale him like a rock face. His canvas was black with red dancing hearts containing shadows of faces. The more I looked in it, the more depth was revealed. There is love in shadow as well I thought to myself. 


Bright exchanges in between brushstrokes mutated into
me- 'what are you doing on Saturday?'
Nate- 'I don't know...what am I doing Saturday?'
me- 'Wanna go to Malibu for a 24 hour party?'
Nate- 'MALIBUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!'


Like me, Nathan is a Sagittarius, refreshingly spontaneous and strangely elusive, anything is possible in Sag land. Saturday I surprise him with generosity and kindness, we pack food, sleeping bags, and his art supplies so he can live paint at the party. He explains there is a pressure to create when people are present, he enjoys it. Intense cosmic conversation ensued during the ride up and I was beginning to see Nathan is as dark as his paintings. 


The party was epic, and on the medicine it seemed like a movie. Beautiful friendly people, deep sexy house music, hot tubs and swimming pool, fresh mountain air in a sky full of stars. I was surrounded by friends, we created a force field of magic which attracted new friends, we laughed under the moon and ate fresh figs from the tree in my garden. I met Vishnu, another painter and triple Sagittarius (Sun, Rising and Mercury...Same as ME) plus two other planets in the same placement had me so giggly as if I were seeing me in this amazing galactic creature in male form. Sagittarius men like I said are elusive and I search for meaning in the meeting of two of them in a 3 day space.


Just as the hour was heading into a.m. the Police arrived to break it up. They were throwing us out, drug-soaked revelers forced to get in their cars and move. Panic and confusion abound, my three companions are some of the last to leave the party, stuck shuffling in the dark overloaded with stuff. The shuttle thankfully came to get us, we piled in to head back to the car park. The driver heard a yell, a car went over the cliff. Christina was the only one who had a signal and called 911. Nathan jumped out with two others and I headed back to the cars with Christina. 


As I loaded my car, firetrucks and ambulances headed up the mountain. Christina and Vishnu had escaped, Nathan was still out there somewhere. I was alone and slept in the car until helicopters shook me awake. Nathan was back at the house and I went to collect him. I passed the firemen on the way, they told me there were 4 people in the car, one had died and the others were very critical. 


On the way back, Nate and I stopped for breakfast. He described standing on the edge of the road in the dark, echoing voices calling for help. He explained over coffee and scrambled eggs that he has been clean for 2 years. He has done every drug on the planet. His father AND grandfather had both committed suicide and he often swam in this emotional sway as if it were in his blood. He said it was a pleasure and a blessing to be in my company. We decided to hike in Temescal and hardly a word exchanged between us after the magnitude of the last 24 hours. 


Gift of life ever present and makes all current discourse unimportant. Nathan in male opposition points out my shadows as if I were his canvas. He feels my warrior pressing at him, but I was experiencing a simultaneous conscious awareness of it vs. reaction in tandem. Which aspect will come out shining? Who cares? I am not pieces constantly begging for repair. Wholeness of me: light + shadow dancing together in the fullness of complete being. I see me. I appreciate the totality of me in fiery fusion, spectral diamond-like fashion. Life is flat if not appreciated for the kaleidoscope of diversity it truly is.

The kindness of my ear has reached breaking point. I.am.Exhausted from the spiraling drama chronicles of close friends. Parker picks unnecessary fights, turning tables and avoiding himself. Ryan shoots at me unlikely scenario projectile reflections ~ deflected by my outer evaluator. Saying nothing and allowing the story to reel on is apparently just as dangerous as a poorly delivered calling out - resulting in thick wall sprouting from the deep subconscious protective place. Feeling more detached and fatigued than ninja-jedi, I separate in search of a clear storyless space.

Hilarity and giggles grow when I capture it ~ as either reaction to all the good that is coming together for me~ or just straight Mercury retrograde fallout. I am 2 chapters close to a (completed!) first draft of my book. I am in possession of one coveted Burning Man ticket, where I will be guiding awesome workshops. Visionary intentions to activate my project, plowing a new turn in my career path, something I cannot even see the entirety of just yet in current space/time. Simply an opening to the unfolding of what will be, and living in a space of 'it already is' to usher in the bounty of the vibration I am holding. Sharing my recent developments excites outlying friends, but with my men it is drawing boyish-level contempt and breath stifling dissatisfaction.

It's to do with feeling + understanding + promoting own heart consciousness. BE the nervous excitement bursting even if its partly crusty (crunchcrunch) the crust is crumbling and needs to be shaken off. Clean food/clean body/clean mind IT is divine IT is certainty IT is not slacking IT is falling several times and laughing. Critical constructive curious eye celebrate calculations of the circumstantial collaborations in the context of 'i don't know ~ show me.' Crystallized creations form in the shape of a moment unexplainable, the mysterious source of everything god makes from scratch conducting through the magic wand of me.

Mercury retrograde's shadow is already shaking things up to the point of tears. Drama draining stories make my flu head hurt even more than before. Parker's deluded perspective incites frustration and when i fight back he informs me (again) that i am in my head, which for the most part is true (i'm a Sag not a Cancer for fuck's sake) but today i am too unwell to think straight much less create a spiral stereo in the mindspace. This worn defense is his mean to tip the arrow in my favor to avoid his own tender spot from being examined.

Perspective is relative and succumbs to our unfed limitations. My view is that the more people get out and away from the mall/telly/cubicle/vending machine living - the better. Tourists on the Venice boardwalk stick out like a hooker in broad daylight. Sparkless eyes averted engaged in displaying disdain for 'different' ~ humans tired of (empty lived) life on a dead-end happiless path offering dull scoffs in between beer sips. 

It dawned on me that regardless to their genuine twisted reaction, this is what they came for, to see the show, experience alternate realities, and listen to some freaky hippies from Venice talking about Burning Man, UFO's and superfoods. Now, they have a story to take home to the other couch potatoes. 

Currently it speaks volumes to me about how closed down perspectives can be detrimental to the overall vibration, and i wish not to participate even if part of me feels they are the enemy. I will be using this retrograde to commit to listening to myself and find the possibility space for ownership, kindness, and sincerely less words in general.