In about 8 hours I am heading off to Reno to pick up Silvia at the airport, then straight to Black Rock City, for Burning Man. The excitement grows as I pack the car with Ryan, and head off to the playa for our second time around.
Yesterday I made a 5 hour hike and climb with my twin, he always wanted to take me to this place called the Bridge to Nowhere. It held a lot of significance to him for 'us' in some metaphorical sense. Canceling an urge to belittle his vision of our ship, I released the wanting to know all the meaning behind it for him, and let it be his. We monkeyed and climbed. We crossed the river over and over again through windy stone paths, at times getting lost, the day got away from us and we ended up booking back to the car in a steady free running style, I had so much energy from all the fresh air!
Today I spent the better part of the day succumbing to time differentials that varied my intended schedule. Many times things are not as you planned, things not ready in your optimal time frame, and you have to be in the flow. I rearrange, sort, and shuffle my way through today, still here waiting for some items on my list to be attended to.
On my list is getting the spark plugs checked. Another Ryan is here who I have been experiencing a lovely day of him making magic mushroom chocolates and talking with me as I pack. I read his astrological chart. His birthday is 6 days before my twin's. The more I read I could see how alike these two people were. Similar quirks and mannerisms, I did my best not to project and seeing the similar and the individual simultaneously. I am totally freaked out, why is this vibration chasing me to my very edge. But in Ryan, I am seeing a maturity, a beautiful disciplined soul who is on a different level than my twin, dare I say someone who I imagine my twin would be something more like one day...
As I prepare for take off, I wonder how many people I can gather - born the same week the my twin was born, and study them all to see if they carried even the same tendencies, like an astrological social study. What is it I need to learn from these amazing people? What do I need to adjust and unleash?
BURNING MAN HERE I COME!!!
25 August 2010
Feeling a great sense of accomplishment! Experiencing the fruits of standing strong in self, while noticing shifting currents of wavering unable to attach and remain. Advancing into states of objectivity and helping others gain insight as well, all without acting pushy.
I spent time with an old friend/lover, our reunions previously consisting of predictable catch-up conversations followed by sex. He expecting to renew the affair through cheeky hints and winks, until a conversation that led into the unfolding confusion of our lives in progress. Without desire to add to that mix, we instead tread into deeper territory, attempting to deconstruct actions and how best to resolve and move on.
Noticing the rationalizations over his need to sustain the status quo with various excuses and reasoning, I challenged his thinking concerning the effect of his actions. He means no harm, he says, insisting that all parties are benefiting from their position. He is honest and softer than I had ever experienced him, for his heart had been broken and now in protective mode. His high hopes for the future are beset by a delay of happiness, and a settling for the present situation as tolerable. What if his 'day' never comes? Scared to shake things up unable to recognize that owning your happiness today is what benefits all.
It seems odd to talk to a former lover about current lovers, but in this case exists time and distance, and I have no intention of becoming entangled in his story. I have my own complicated web! My realization of self-validation has raised my confidence to heights where small seductions go virtually ignored. In its place a philosophical construct of a neutral me, seeking inspiration rather than copulation.
I left that text there all day, it said 'are you done with me?' words leaving energetic teeth marks in my field. Old pattern is to reply in motherly fashion, putting his needs before mine. Wondering how to approach this 'ship' in a new way. Why wasn't he concerned about me? Wasn't our last meeting encrusted with arguments and tears? Ten days gone since we spoke seemed like a month, I wanted even more time and space, reveling in clarity. Ten hours later, a second text, a rush to know my decision. Were we friends or not? After frantic calls to sleeping friends, damn the difference in time zones, I rang him, advice-less and forging ahead on my own.
Initially the conversation was more of a face-off, me struggling to compose thoughts. His defensive words barreling down on me. I felt unprepared and requesting to end the conversation, yet exhilarated to enter this form of combat with him. Prior to last week we never engaged in fights, largely due to me yielding to his every desire.
Regaining footing I went for it. Confirming my physical attraction for him dissolving and my request to discontinue our relationship as lovers, preferring to keep it at a higher vibration. Releasing him on his path and recognizing it as separate from mine, giving him back his power while reinstating my own. There was no argument from his end, only an expression of how valuable our friendship is to him, that it is beyond the physical, and a request to see me before I depart for Black Rock City.
I spent time with an old friend/lover, our reunions previously consisting of predictable catch-up conversations followed by sex. He expecting to renew the affair through cheeky hints and winks, until a conversation that led into the unfolding confusion of our lives in progress. Without desire to add to that mix, we instead tread into deeper territory, attempting to deconstruct actions and how best to resolve and move on.
Noticing the rationalizations over his need to sustain the status quo with various excuses and reasoning, I challenged his thinking concerning the effect of his actions. He means no harm, he says, insisting that all parties are benefiting from their position. He is honest and softer than I had ever experienced him, for his heart had been broken and now in protective mode. His high hopes for the future are beset by a delay of happiness, and a settling for the present situation as tolerable. What if his 'day' never comes? Scared to shake things up unable to recognize that owning your happiness today is what benefits all.
It seems odd to talk to a former lover about current lovers, but in this case exists time and distance, and I have no intention of becoming entangled in his story. I have my own complicated web! My realization of self-validation has raised my confidence to heights where small seductions go virtually ignored. In its place a philosophical construct of a neutral me, seeking inspiration rather than copulation.
I left that text there all day, it said 'are you done with me?' words leaving energetic teeth marks in my field. Old pattern is to reply in motherly fashion, putting his needs before mine. Wondering how to approach this 'ship' in a new way. Why wasn't he concerned about me? Wasn't our last meeting encrusted with arguments and tears? Ten days gone since we spoke seemed like a month, I wanted even more time and space, reveling in clarity. Ten hours later, a second text, a rush to know my decision. Were we friends or not? After frantic calls to sleeping friends, damn the difference in time zones, I rang him, advice-less and forging ahead on my own.
Initially the conversation was more of a face-off, me struggling to compose thoughts. His defensive words barreling down on me. I felt unprepared and requesting to end the conversation, yet exhilarated to enter this form of combat with him. Prior to last week we never engaged in fights, largely due to me yielding to his every desire.
Regaining footing I went for it. Confirming my physical attraction for him dissolving and my request to discontinue our relationship as lovers, preferring to keep it at a higher vibration. Releasing him on his path and recognizing it as separate from mine, giving him back his power while reinstating my own. There was no argument from his end, only an expression of how valuable our friendship is to him, that it is beyond the physical, and a request to see me before I depart for Black Rock City.
21 August 2010
Surprised to hear a certain response to the movie Eat, Pray, Love, viewing the character of Liz as self-centered. Thinking it irresponsible of her to leave an unfulfilled life and marriage, opting to globe trot in search of purpose and personal meaning.
There exists a desire to please others to a point where our own being is neglected, sticking to a notion of false security, exhausting and depleting all parties involved. Fear of hurting another as an excuse, when in reality more suffering is caused by staying in the current scenario.
People-pleasing allows focus to shift away from ourselves to the other. Shunning the absurdly inflated 'worst' parts of us, fear of shining light in the dark corners of our being. Inner self shrinking when flaws and insecurities rise to the surface accompanied by constant comparisons to the 'other'. Scared to simply sit and self-examine on an objective level, unequipped with the tools to do so.
The qualities possessed by each individual is unique and magnificent. What is thought of as a flaw or quirk creating feelings of doubt or self-loathing, is often what others may find an endearing and attractive quality, for it is something that makes you exclusively YOU. What is tugging or creating resistance are clues to patterns begging to be broken.
Constant messages of 'not good enough' bombard our psyches destructively. The goal is simply to get money from wallets into hands of corporations, supporting a false sense of incompleteness. Blemishes and vulnerability seen as unwanted qualities, but once fully expanded and realized, are turned into unbreakable strengths.
Switch from judge to plain observer. Simply look, without choosing what is 'good' or 'bad' - remove these two words - they have no relevance here. When a remark or judgment rises to the surface, laugh at it, or just say yes to it. Find places for love to seep in and spread it all over your being. Repeat 'I am' endlessly.
Collected memories and experiences built up inside that stand in the way of seeing reality clearly. Many questions the mind is unable to answer. The mind was meant for questions, answers are found in the heart. How many layers stand between the two? Willingness to open up to faults and loving them fully allows a greater awareness of being. Accepting ALL will allow feelings of shame and fear to shift into ease and grace, all in perfect timing.
In the absence of fear is courage, if there is a lack of confidence, can it at least be faked until the day when the barrier crumbles and it becomes real?
There exists a desire to please others to a point where our own being is neglected, sticking to a notion of false security, exhausting and depleting all parties involved. Fear of hurting another as an excuse, when in reality more suffering is caused by staying in the current scenario.
People-pleasing allows focus to shift away from ourselves to the other. Shunning the absurdly inflated 'worst' parts of us, fear of shining light in the dark corners of our being. Inner self shrinking when flaws and insecurities rise to the surface accompanied by constant comparisons to the 'other'. Scared to simply sit and self-examine on an objective level, unequipped with the tools to do so.
The qualities possessed by each individual is unique and magnificent. What is thought of as a flaw or quirk creating feelings of doubt or self-loathing, is often what others may find an endearing and attractive quality, for it is something that makes you exclusively YOU. What is tugging or creating resistance are clues to patterns begging to be broken.
Constant messages of 'not good enough' bombard our psyches destructively. The goal is simply to get money from wallets into hands of corporations, supporting a false sense of incompleteness. Blemishes and vulnerability seen as unwanted qualities, but once fully expanded and realized, are turned into unbreakable strengths.
Switch from judge to plain observer. Simply look, without choosing what is 'good' or 'bad' - remove these two words - they have no relevance here. When a remark or judgment rises to the surface, laugh at it, or just say yes to it. Find places for love to seep in and spread it all over your being. Repeat 'I am' endlessly.
Collected memories and experiences built up inside that stand in the way of seeing reality clearly. Many questions the mind is unable to answer. The mind was meant for questions, answers are found in the heart. How many layers stand between the two? Willingness to open up to faults and loving them fully allows a greater awareness of being. Accepting ALL will allow feelings of shame and fear to shift into ease and grace, all in perfect timing.
In the absence of fear is courage, if there is a lack of confidence, can it at least be faked until the day when the barrier crumbles and it becomes real?
17 August 2010
I feel taller today, my energy is shifting due to much work in the lower two chakras. torso rising up and out of my pelvic bowl, I feel as if I may finally have reached the 5 foot mark! The shift is here, because I have declared what I want. I am moving from noise to clarity. I choose what is most nourishing for me.
Self-Validation is not a new concept, but rather undervalued and underused. We often praise others easily while being brutally and excessively critical of ourselves. How many times per day do we spend getting someones attention to feel sexy, or clever, or desirable as a human being?
My grandmother always said if you talked about yourself, you are conceited. Yet at the same time, would not praise to replace that which I couldn't provide on my own. This is noise to the highest degree. Who are you if you are not listening to your own inner opinion and relying on others to determine how you feel? No two perceptions are alike, so what are we supposed to do with all the opinions people hold over us?
Toss them in the incinerator! They are of no value to your true being! Instead, be open to listening to possibly persuasive arguments and understandings. We love to show how right we are, but what is right for one, may not be true for you. Security in your own self-expression will allow viewpoints to enter as objective rather than judgments or harsh criticisms. Staying open to all viewpoints allows broadening of your own perspective, seeing all choices IS reality.
I am acknowledging my uniqueness, and separating myself from story. I am not defined by events, but rather my actions, my abilities and intention. I am expanding love for myself, and if my grandmother wants to call me conceited, so be it. I choose to be acting and reacting in responsibility to myself.
Check in with your inner child. In which ways do you seek attention? How long are you going to continue with this storyline? Does it even belong to you? Are you in a comfort zone, blaming others and closing down into places where you become stuck? To be free from this trap requires trust in self, there is no need to identify with story, instead become the space in between the events.
Be grateful for yourself, be uncomfortable, irritation is beneficial for tuning into the power within. Deep, ancestral human patterning wants to move from pain to pleasure, from unfamiliar to familiar, it is a defense mechanism. It also removes us from the present moment where the feeling is true and real. Are you strong enough to face pain and move past it? Standing between you and your purpose is your commitment and dedication to yourself.
Self-Validation is not a new concept, but rather undervalued and underused. We often praise others easily while being brutally and excessively critical of ourselves. How many times per day do we spend getting someones attention to feel sexy, or clever, or desirable as a human being?
My grandmother always said if you talked about yourself, you are conceited. Yet at the same time, would not praise to replace that which I couldn't provide on my own. This is noise to the highest degree. Who are you if you are not listening to your own inner opinion and relying on others to determine how you feel? No two perceptions are alike, so what are we supposed to do with all the opinions people hold over us?
Toss them in the incinerator! They are of no value to your true being! Instead, be open to listening to possibly persuasive arguments and understandings. We love to show how right we are, but what is right for one, may not be true for you. Security in your own self-expression will allow viewpoints to enter as objective rather than judgments or harsh criticisms. Staying open to all viewpoints allows broadening of your own perspective, seeing all choices IS reality.
I am acknowledging my uniqueness, and separating myself from story. I am not defined by events, but rather my actions, my abilities and intention. I am expanding love for myself, and if my grandmother wants to call me conceited, so be it. I choose to be acting and reacting in responsibility to myself.
Check in with your inner child. In which ways do you seek attention? How long are you going to continue with this storyline? Does it even belong to you? Are you in a comfort zone, blaming others and closing down into places where you become stuck? To be free from this trap requires trust in self, there is no need to identify with story, instead become the space in between the events.
Be grateful for yourself, be uncomfortable, irritation is beneficial for tuning into the power within. Deep, ancestral human patterning wants to move from pain to pleasure, from unfamiliar to familiar, it is a defense mechanism. It also removes us from the present moment where the feeling is true and real. Are you strong enough to face pain and move past it? Standing between you and your purpose is your commitment and dedication to yourself.
15 August 2010
Friends of the closest magnitude and resilience, thank you for your patience, this is the moment you have been waiting for. I finally hear what you have been drilling into my head for the last 5 years. Thoughts solidifying into being and understanding on a brighter level.
Entangled in a relationship that is irresponsible and incomplete. I am not valuing myself or my needs. Inability to confirm what I want has kept me in a relationship I wish to end. Unable to establish my worth from within, continuously seeking a spark, ego temporarily fooled by a touch or a sentence that becomes twisted into storyline in my thought processes.
Unraveling from a position of a story-telling mind into a reality-based stance. Observing situations opening up to my relentless and damaging patterns. The fact is, when it comes to this current kind of love, I give my power away. Allowing myself to be pulled into his field repeatedly, forgetting my center. Monkey mind is sedated, but soul is not, I zoom out and witness actions as if suspended in cosmic cartoon speech bubbles. Soul is wagging its finger at me 'you are not loving yourself fully.'
Yesterday I expressed a desire to become a monk, based on the fact that they are happy because they have no romantic relationships to trouble their lives. A friend sharply pointed that relationships with others are how we learn about ourselves, that I can be a monk in my next life, and that I was born with this hair for a reason.
I began to think about my hair. It is a mass of unruly curls, constantly on the move. It likes to dread on windy days, and people ask to touch it. When concealed under a hat, I go mostly unrecognized. One fleeting moment I thought to shave it all off, removing part of my identity, until realizing that notion was bullshit, and it would take about 2 years to grow back.
Without regular trimming, the hair loses its shape and vitality. As does my life. Layers of being must also be trimmed on a regular basis, discarding non-serving actions, reactions, and habits. Simpler layers break away clean. Heavier layers break off in chunks like a piece of iceberg crashing into icy waters, leaving me exposed and open to receiving light.
Highlighted weaknesses are glaring at me through the actions of my reflection via this road of never ending relationship. It isn't ending because of an excuse. I am pulling the covers off, I am naked to the fears of my twisted mind. I am aligning with Spirit, and it is uncomfortable and pushy. Mind questioning and resistant to change for it will never grasp the knowing of the heart. Determination is setting up shop right here, fixed on dancing into more light, clarity, and wisdom. Linear thinking getting tossed out the window, trust blowing in like fresh air on a stuffy day.
I love, honor, and appreciate myself. Gaining confidence in my ability and strength, actions and words in alignment with each other, from constriction into freedom.
Entangled in a relationship that is irresponsible and incomplete. I am not valuing myself or my needs. Inability to confirm what I want has kept me in a relationship I wish to end. Unable to establish my worth from within, continuously seeking a spark, ego temporarily fooled by a touch or a sentence that becomes twisted into storyline in my thought processes.
Unraveling from a position of a story-telling mind into a reality-based stance. Observing situations opening up to my relentless and damaging patterns. The fact is, when it comes to this current kind of love, I give my power away. Allowing myself to be pulled into his field repeatedly, forgetting my center. Monkey mind is sedated, but soul is not, I zoom out and witness actions as if suspended in cosmic cartoon speech bubbles. Soul is wagging its finger at me 'you are not loving yourself fully.'
Yesterday I expressed a desire to become a monk, based on the fact that they are happy because they have no romantic relationships to trouble their lives. A friend sharply pointed that relationships with others are how we learn about ourselves, that I can be a monk in my next life, and that I was born with this hair for a reason.
I began to think about my hair. It is a mass of unruly curls, constantly on the move. It likes to dread on windy days, and people ask to touch it. When concealed under a hat, I go mostly unrecognized. One fleeting moment I thought to shave it all off, removing part of my identity, until realizing that notion was bullshit, and it would take about 2 years to grow back.
Without regular trimming, the hair loses its shape and vitality. As does my life. Layers of being must also be trimmed on a regular basis, discarding non-serving actions, reactions, and habits. Simpler layers break away clean. Heavier layers break off in chunks like a piece of iceberg crashing into icy waters, leaving me exposed and open to receiving light.
Highlighted weaknesses are glaring at me through the actions of my reflection via this road of never ending relationship. It isn't ending because of an excuse. I am pulling the covers off, I am naked to the fears of my twisted mind. I am aligning with Spirit, and it is uncomfortable and pushy. Mind questioning and resistant to change for it will never grasp the knowing of the heart. Determination is setting up shop right here, fixed on dancing into more light, clarity, and wisdom. Linear thinking getting tossed out the window, trust blowing in like fresh air on a stuffy day.
I love, honor, and appreciate myself. Gaining confidence in my ability and strength, actions and words in alignment with each other, from constriction into freedom.
12 August 2010
I have no idea what I want in my life. I am working through a series of questions to help me examine what my perfect life will look like. Am I afraid of success? Can I second guess my initial reaction of excuses and just carry on with building my dream? Where will I find the confidence and feeling of worth inside of me? When will the self-sabotaging cease?
Connecting with new friends, I am discovering California is a place where people come to do something new. The dynamic energy of LA is pushing up against me, allowing me to feel supported in my new endeavors, and lighting a fire under renewed determination. Patterns reprogramming to the belief in the tribe. It takes an orchestra to perform a symphony, and yet many are unaware of the crew behind the scenes, who are also supporting in their way. To be a real success, there needs to be an undercurrent of collaboration happening all the time.
As we enter puberty, we are taught to sacrifice or play for work, creating a platform for a sheep mentality. How many examples exist for you of people that are practicing with success at what they love? Inspired yet? Yes, but oops, bills are piling up...there is a sacrifice. Life is put on hold until there is enough cash, but what if there is never enough cash? What in life is keeping you from activating your visions in full forward motion? Support system should be at the top of the checklist. Check your reactions, are you defensive? Check your body, are you running on exhausted adrenals? In what ways will you add nourishment to your life?
All worthwhile practice requires time and patience, spend as much time as you can every day on working magic. Moving from a stuck position takes a cunning plan. How much time devoted is your vision worth? 5 minutes a day? Without water and sunlight, the garden will dry up and die. Excuses hold me in a position of not trying. No try, no fail, easy enough, and I can stay in my comfort zone! I persevere to not only eliminate negative talk that does not align with my actions. I will DO instead of TRY, and if I fail at something, I retool and do it again. Lose the fear of failing, and creativity will come alive, watch others intently. Jealousy is looking at something and wishing we were 'it' or had 'it.' Be inspired by it, turn it into motivation.
Leo new moon shows us this month to be secure in our unique self-expression. Lions energy medicine displays the family element, everyone doing their part for the good of the whole. Dip your feet in the waters of discomfort, I dare you to be MORE, go ahead, ROAR!
Connecting with new friends, I am discovering California is a place where people come to do something new. The dynamic energy of LA is pushing up against me, allowing me to feel supported in my new endeavors, and lighting a fire under renewed determination. Patterns reprogramming to the belief in the tribe. It takes an orchestra to perform a symphony, and yet many are unaware of the crew behind the scenes, who are also supporting in their way. To be a real success, there needs to be an undercurrent of collaboration happening all the time.
As we enter puberty, we are taught to sacrifice or play for work, creating a platform for a sheep mentality. How many examples exist for you of people that are practicing with success at what they love? Inspired yet? Yes, but oops, bills are piling up...there is a sacrifice. Life is put on hold until there is enough cash, but what if there is never enough cash? What in life is keeping you from activating your visions in full forward motion? Support system should be at the top of the checklist. Check your reactions, are you defensive? Check your body, are you running on exhausted adrenals? In what ways will you add nourishment to your life?
All worthwhile practice requires time and patience, spend as much time as you can every day on working magic. Moving from a stuck position takes a cunning plan. How much time devoted is your vision worth? 5 minutes a day? Without water and sunlight, the garden will dry up and die. Excuses hold me in a position of not trying. No try, no fail, easy enough, and I can stay in my comfort zone! I persevere to not only eliminate negative talk that does not align with my actions. I will DO instead of TRY, and if I fail at something, I retool and do it again. Lose the fear of failing, and creativity will come alive, watch others intently. Jealousy is looking at something and wishing we were 'it' or had 'it.' Be inspired by it, turn it into motivation.
Leo new moon shows us this month to be secure in our unique self-expression. Lions energy medicine displays the family element, everyone doing their part for the good of the whole. Dip your feet in the waters of discomfort, I dare you to be MORE, go ahead, ROAR!
10 August 2010
You caught me, yes I am still smoking, but I haven't bought any I swear! I have a lot of Jupiter in my chart, Jupiter is expansive and excessive. Is that wine? Sure! Joint? Sounds good to me! Cigarette? Well, just one...aren't writers supposed to drink and smoke copiously after all? Oscar Wilde-ish lines of reasoning spewing. Disappointment eventually blanketing me for punishing my temple again. Fasting, meditating and cleansing, a different kind of punishment altogether. Self-punishment scolding my ego and confuses me in ways where I can't figure out what will balance my habits and this need to self-parent.
I have several friends here in LA, living in different parts of the city, and yet do not overlap, faceless names floating in the ether, living within miles of the other. I am the connector of this beautiful eccentric crowd, and living to get them all in one place. All representing a different time and place in my life. Each reunion blowing dust off sequestered memories, enabling a series of realizations and closures of life stages and accomplishments, wisdom creeping in again, one of most divine aspects of having 40 years behind me.
Sipping on Malbec on a chilly rooftop overlooking downtown, Daniel recaptures the memory of me as a go-getting travel agent manager, a leader with direction and drive. I was freshly divorced and exhausted after years of making decisions at both work and home, longing for someone to sweep me away, make all the choices for me. I just wanted to be led and hang back in the shadows for a while. Daniel was surprised when I declared those words way back when, seeing me in an entirely different light. He stated that I had swung to the extremes again, he was so on point.
The man guilty of sweeping me off my feet is also here in LA. He is a soul twin, a mirror, he is a security blanket, my home. Yesterday we were both very cranky, I was more inwardly, but he verbalizing many complaints and frustrations, I wanted to escape and help at the same time, but unsure how to help. I took moments to turn it back on myself and realized I was actually disappointed with me, it wasn't him at all, he was just showing me what I needed to work on. He began to tell me (again) about a vision he had with a rattlesnake. I began to google the snake's spirit energy. We discovered snakes are shape-shifters, strike only when necessary, and knowing of one's own gut feeling, bellies always slithering on Mother Earth. Snakes have an energy of transmutation, spirit animals appear to show us what we have forgotten or need to improve on.
I expressed that I felt he didn't listen to me, and he explained that he can be THAT with me, I allow him space to vent, to be in full state of vulnerability tinged with anger. I hold that space for him, I had no idea, and my understanding of our 'ship' had shifted into a new space.
In that moment we were able to construct a narrowing of our visions, holding them with confidence and authority. Acknowledging the balance required to perform such achievements, the steps and connections that must be established and confirmed through actions, our truth speaking clearly to crystallize the vision. I felt the power in both of us expand and take another step up the ladder of realizations. I invite him to Venice for a meditation class, he decides to stay home and integrate.
Kundalini chanting is the perfect medicine for driving on the Santa Monica freeway towards Venice. I drive without written directions, starting to navigate my way around this maniacal metropolis, and I pat myself on the back, only two u-turns on this journey.
09 August 2010
Red lights blasting through my rear view mirror, accompanied by loudspeaker instructions on where exactly to pull over. One exit from my destination, after 5 days and over 2750 miles, and I get pulled over. I am in Venice, California, its midnight and the car has been freaking out from being in the desert conditions, and my stomach was nervous. I had been driving with the hazard lights on (probably not the smartest thing I ever did). I follow instructions and roll down my window.
The officer comes over with flashlight and asks for my license. He tells me I shouldn't drive on the freeway with lights flashing, it means I need help. I explain I am almost at my destination and the car is freaking and I had been driving since Sedona, crying (not intentionally or for dramatics) but I was under stress and that was how my emotional body longed to express itself in the moment. He tried to calm me until he noticed a particular smell was emanating from my Jeep Cherokee. He asks 'Ma'am have you been smoking marijuana?'
I answer honestly 'yes' He looks at me like a disappointed mom, complete with head angle and eyes full of sorrow. He asks me to step out of the car. I step and he asks when I smoked last. I answer 'a couple of hours ago' I explain I was stressed about the car and I thought it would calm my nerves. He invites me to stand on one leg and count 1001, 1002, 1003, and so on. By all accounts, I am high, but I am also a yoga teacher and dancer, disciplines where standing on one foot is obligatory, and luckily have been constructed with large feet for someone so small. This is too simple...
I am counting, 1025, 1026, 1027...he approves and says 'ok' now tilt your head back and count 30 seconds to yourself and look up when you think it has been 30 seconds. Quietly counting, head back, resisting the urge to stretch, I look up and glance at the 27 on his watch. 'I am good' I boast to myself. He asks me where the pot is in the car. I tell him and he reaches in and grabs the canister. 'How much is in here?' he asks, 'about an eighth' not quite seeing myself in handcuffs, so far the exchange has been slightly relaxing compared to the freeway driving. I am unexpectedly relaxed in the company of authority, I wait and chill while he heads back to his patrol car.
Days before, I received an astrological chart reading from a yogi/astrologer friend. He explained that I had been in Miami incubating. My yellow condo in South Beach, was indeed like being in an egg, a safe and comfortable zone where I could hide from the challenges of life. The planetary energies were putting me in an energetic fog, and going west would place me in a clearer visionary path. He made a comment that I wouldn't be needing to smoke pot everyday anymore, I would be in a more productive arena, with an appropriate audience.
The cop asked what I was doing in LA. I told him I was a massage therapist and yoga instructor, and I was in town to create workshops and retreats with a friend. He smiled and said 'wow', I agreed with his sentiment. He told me to have a seat in the car. I sat and waited. He came back to my window and handed me a piece of paper. It was a ticket for possession of marijuana. Cocking his head, he asks 'Ma'am have you done any research on smoking marijuana?' I answer 'well yes as a matter of fact, I have.'
He tells me he has a 'friend' with 'brain damage' from smoking ganja. 'Really?' I question, 'because there are zero studies connecting the two, and in fact, marijuana shrinks brain tumors and aids in concentration.' He tells me of another 'friend' who has switched from pot to crack! I wonder why a cop would have friends like this? I had to argue this point as well, explaining the misconceptions around pot being a 'gateway drug' and the highs were totally different. If anything, people that smoke are people that ingest mushrooms, since they were both hallucinogens.
I thought how fitting - I get pulled over minutes from my destination relieved from the poison I was meant to be freeing myself from in my reading, keeping me from reaching my highest human potential. I thought this ticket more of a blessing than anything else, but deeply humored by this exchange, this motherly type policeman of Venice, a place where nearly everyone is in possession of substances. Imagine if I had been caught in Alabama, or Arizona. I would probably be writing this post from a jail cell.
I was freed, under the conditions that I would be a good girl, and get my car looked at by a mechanic. He even gave me directions how to get to my destination without taking the freeway.
Three weeks on, new fuel pump and filter, and smoke free.
The officer comes over with flashlight and asks for my license. He tells me I shouldn't drive on the freeway with lights flashing, it means I need help. I explain I am almost at my destination and the car is freaking and I had been driving since Sedona, crying (not intentionally or for dramatics) but I was under stress and that was how my emotional body longed to express itself in the moment. He tried to calm me until he noticed a particular smell was emanating from my Jeep Cherokee. He asks 'Ma'am have you been smoking marijuana?'
I answer honestly 'yes' He looks at me like a disappointed mom, complete with head angle and eyes full of sorrow. He asks me to step out of the car. I step and he asks when I smoked last. I answer 'a couple of hours ago' I explain I was stressed about the car and I thought it would calm my nerves. He invites me to stand on one leg and count 1001, 1002, 1003, and so on. By all accounts, I am high, but I am also a yoga teacher and dancer, disciplines where standing on one foot is obligatory, and luckily have been constructed with large feet for someone so small. This is too simple...
I am counting, 1025, 1026, 1027...he approves and says 'ok' now tilt your head back and count 30 seconds to yourself and look up when you think it has been 30 seconds. Quietly counting, head back, resisting the urge to stretch, I look up and glance at the 27 on his watch. 'I am good' I boast to myself. He asks me where the pot is in the car. I tell him and he reaches in and grabs the canister. 'How much is in here?' he asks, 'about an eighth' not quite seeing myself in handcuffs, so far the exchange has been slightly relaxing compared to the freeway driving. I am unexpectedly relaxed in the company of authority, I wait and chill while he heads back to his patrol car.
Days before, I received an astrological chart reading from a yogi/astrologer friend. He explained that I had been in Miami incubating. My yellow condo in South Beach, was indeed like being in an egg, a safe and comfortable zone where I could hide from the challenges of life. The planetary energies were putting me in an energetic fog, and going west would place me in a clearer visionary path. He made a comment that I wouldn't be needing to smoke pot everyday anymore, I would be in a more productive arena, with an appropriate audience.
The cop asked what I was doing in LA. I told him I was a massage therapist and yoga instructor, and I was in town to create workshops and retreats with a friend. He smiled and said 'wow', I agreed with his sentiment. He told me to have a seat in the car. I sat and waited. He came back to my window and handed me a piece of paper. It was a ticket for possession of marijuana. Cocking his head, he asks 'Ma'am have you done any research on smoking marijuana?' I answer 'well yes as a matter of fact, I have.'
He tells me he has a 'friend' with 'brain damage' from smoking ganja. 'Really?' I question, 'because there are zero studies connecting the two, and in fact, marijuana shrinks brain tumors and aids in concentration.' He tells me of another 'friend' who has switched from pot to crack! I wonder why a cop would have friends like this? I had to argue this point as well, explaining the misconceptions around pot being a 'gateway drug' and the highs were totally different. If anything, people that smoke are people that ingest mushrooms, since they were both hallucinogens.
I thought how fitting - I get pulled over minutes from my destination relieved from the poison I was meant to be freeing myself from in my reading, keeping me from reaching my highest human potential. I thought this ticket more of a blessing than anything else, but deeply humored by this exchange, this motherly type policeman of Venice, a place where nearly everyone is in possession of substances. Imagine if I had been caught in Alabama, or Arizona. I would probably be writing this post from a jail cell.
I was freed, under the conditions that I would be a good girl, and get my car looked at by a mechanic. He even gave me directions how to get to my destination without taking the freeway.
Three weeks on, new fuel pump and filter, and smoke free.
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